A covid-19 Christmas gift guide

We get it. You’re still struggling with what to get those on your Christmas list. They have everything. Or there’s a shortage of everything. Or everything is super-expensive. Or “that doggone dude done messed up the U.S. Postal Service.”

Take heart. This year’s Christmas gift guide offers a solution to at least one of each of the aforementioned struggles.

Submitted for your approval, without further ado (and whatever other introductory cliche we didn’t think to put here):

THE LET’S TALK CHRISTMAS GIFT GUIDE Canned Unicorn, $ 8.99, amazon.com

OK, apparently this unicorn-meat thing is … a thing. At least, for gag purposes. Stuff your recipient’s stocking with a “faux can of unicorn meat spread … only the finest unicorn meat from Tibet & Nepal.” The can even carries faux nutritional information, claiming to contain “sunshine,” “sprinkles,” “mystique,” “happy” and, yuck, “offal.” In case you haven’t guessed, this is not a case of real meat being called something cute. The can is filled only with “inert filler” that’s “not human edible.” And no, the filler is not a replacement for a covid-19 vaccination. Amazon also happily carries several unicorn-meat T-shirts, one of which can serve as an accompanying gift.

A plot of land in Ireland, $49.99, buyireland.com

Yes, that whole thing where you can buy a tiny piece of land in a faraway country, and be lord/ lady/whatever of that land, is still … a thing! “Now you can purchase a plot of land, one whole square foot in size, in the timeless Irish countryside,” according to the website. Your giftee will get a certificate of ownership, deed of assurance, photographs (beautiful countryside!) and directions. Said giftee will be able visit their plot whenever they want. But sorry — they won’t be allowed to build “because this would spoil the untouched natural beauty of the area.” So much for that birdhouse manor.

Ketchup candy, $ 5.95, mcphee.com

Now this is “the” stocking stuffer for the gift recipient who really sweated that ketchup-packet shortage earlier this year: Candy that tastes like ketchup! Candies come individually wrapped in a tin. “These red and white striped hard candies taste like sweet ketchup and would be great on a hamburger if they weren’t so crunchy,” reads the come-hither copy. The gift-getter can even take pleasure in a little role-play, pretending to be a fast-food worker

and claiming to be out of the candy if any friends or family members beg for a piece.

Various packs of chewing gum for the passive-aggressive gift giver, $1.99 each, offthewagonshop.com

The chewing gums whose packages say a lot have grown seemingly exponentially in the past few years. Yes, a few of them still claim to solve relational problems (Get Along With Your Coworkers Gum), kick aging’s behind (Basically Ageless Gum) or turn people into Dr. Doolittles (Instantly Talk With Your Cat Gum). But there are also plenty of “tell ’em off” gums to choose from, like (How About a Nice Big Pack of) Shut The Hell Up Gum and Some People Just Need A High Five … in the Face … With a Chair Gum. Want to do some flat- out name-calling with your gum gift? Can’t print those here. How about just playing nice with the Who’s Awesome? You’re Awesome! Gum?

Basketball with openmouth design, regularly $64, zazzle.com

This is the most eye-opening (mouth opening) design choice among a plethora of customizable, personalize-able basketballs at Zazzle. Even the tonsils show! Text can be added, and here is where the possibilities would be endless:

“( Recipient’s name), MVBGW (most vocal basketball-game watcher).”

“Here is the mouth of (Charles Barkley, Nate Robinson, Rasheed Wallace, some other noted NBA trash talker). Yours is bigger.”

“This b-ball has more teeth than you.”

Last but not least:

Roaring Twenties-themed party for 20 on the stage of the Apollo Theater, $395,000, neimanmarcus. com

Talk about the bee’s knees! One of the Neiman Marcus Christmas book’s charity-benefiting “fantasy” gifts, this package enables your gift recipient to “experience the outrageous Roaring Twenties with an exclusive themed party at the Apollo Theater designed by famed party planner Bronson Van Wyck, the man behind some of the world’s most spectacular A-list celebrations,” according to Neiman Marcus. The giftee’s name will be in lights on the marquee as they and guests do the Charleston and fox-trot on the Apollo stage. You’ll be glad to know that for this price, they throw in not only event design, but costume accessories, hair and makeup styling, hors d’oeuvres, cocktails, vodka and caviar-tasting stations, a three-course dinner, live band and DJ, photographer and 20 signed copies of “Born to Party, Forced to Work: 21st Century Hospitality,” the coffee-table book by Van Wyck, a native of Arkansas. Or hey, just skip the party and buy your giftee the book (Phaidon Press, $ 79.95.) Another cheaper alternative: Stick a few bottles of gin in your bathtub and invite your giftee over to watch your bootleg copy of 2013’s “The Great Gatsby.”