Sister isn’t the same person after removal of a tumor

Dear Abby: My sister, who was a bright and cheerful star, was diagnosed with a brain tumor. It was removed with almost 100% margins several years ago. Our family feels unbelievably blessed that she’s OK, but she knows she’s not the same.

She is not the sister I once knew no matter how hard she tries. I sympathize with her, I listen, I know she struggles because she’s missing her old self. I feel useless and I miss my true sister terribly.

I know she doesn’t want this, and I will be there for her no matter what the future brings. But what else can I do for her? I want to be anything she needs me to be. — Supportive Sis In Virginia

Dear Sis: While her capacity may be diminished, what your sister needs is you to be her stalwart sister and love her for the person she is now. Support her, love her, appreciate that she’s still with you and quit focusing on the parts of her that are lost. It isn’t healthy for either of you to dwell on the negative at this point, when there is so much for which to be thankful.

Dear Abby: I divorced my husband of 12 years after catching him cheating. I took time for myself and wasn’t in a hurry to meet anyone. However, about a year after the divorce, I met a great guy. I was introduced to his family and they embraced me, inviting me to holidays and birthday parties, etc.

Four years went by and we made plans to have our wedding at our favorite beach with family and friends. There were several people we would have loved to take part, but who couldn’t due to the pandemic.

My husband and I came up with the idea of wearing white face masks to take a group picture. As the masks were being distributed, his family got angry and said they weren’t going to do anything they didn’t want to do. They stomped off and wouldn’t participate in the vows or any of the pictures.

They’re angry with me, and my husband and I are hurt. I don’t know how to handle this. — Bad Idea In Florida

Dear Bad Idea: What happened was terrible, and I can’t blame you for feeling hurt at the treatment you and your husband received on your wedding day. However, this is the tribe you married into. Your husband’s family may have reacted strongly because they objected to having their faces covered in a photo or to face masks in general. If it was the latter, it’s a shame they felt they had to take a political stance while you were celebrating your nuptials.

Try to be forgiving. However, if you are abused again, recognize it may be time to distance yourselves and concentrate on your side of the family rather than your husband’s.