Northwest Arkansas Democrat-Gazette
Grad weighs separate parties after parents’ ugly divorce
DEAR CAROLYN: My parents had an ugly divorce. My mom made up some lies, including lying to the judge. She “took” my sister and me for 18 days. She fought their pre-nup agreement (and lost). She even tried to have my dad thrown in jail based on more lies. In the end, after a lot of money to lawyers, it was pretty much a 50/50 split.
These things aren’t really a secret, but I know many details because my uncle/godfather told me, with court documents in hand so there could be no doubt.
I will graduate from high school this spring.
With extended family on my dad’s side, events like graduations and weddings tend to act as a family reunion as well. The problem is my uncle/godfather refuses to be in the presence of my mom, since she’s the woman who lied to try to get his little brother thrown in jail and made him spend our college tuition on lawyers (his words). It is a line he won’t cross since she tried to take away my dad’s freedom.
Recently I said I hoped he, my aunt and cousins would come to my high school graduation. My uncle offered to pay for a second party on a different night so they wouldn’t have to be around my mom.
I think it is a little weird but not a horrible solution. I would get to set the schedule. I imagine there would be many folks who would attend both parties too.
Is there anything weird or wrong about having two parties?
My godfather is stubborn. He is the oldest of his generation and feels he is a bit of a protector of his family. He does help his extended family a lot. He arranges and finances joint vacations, co-signs loans, etc.
My parents mostly get along and are civil now, though my mom’s relatives are all still embarrassed about the things she did during the divorce.
— Is Two Better Than One?
DEAR READER: Have two parties if you want to, not because your “stubborn” uncle/godfather anointed himself the man in charge of your family.
I’ll take it as settled that your mom was guilty of those awful behaviors, and note that attempting to lie someone into police custody is beyond the pale even for an ugly custody battle.
But, whoa. Shouldn’t your family-protector uncle/godfather be looking out for you and your sister right now, the vulnerable ones, the ones who bore the brunt of this parental descent into madness?
Instead, he’s protecting his good time at parties. What the what.
Again, this is a wayyy lesser ugliness in a museum of them. But you also say your uncle told you about your mom “with court documents in hand,” and my eyes re-popped after popping over the jail thing. Did he really take it upon himself to do that? Where was your dad?
Ugly divorces aren’t the place to look for perfect behavior, and your letter doesn’t provide context, but still — what a child is told, when, and by whom, is a set of delicate decisions that starts in the parents’ hands.
So, following the breadcrumb trail, my advice is to recognize that family “protector”/patriarch/matriarch roles come with a side of control. They just do. And when anyone presumes to lead you, ask yourself: (1) On whose behalf is the leader acting? (2) Is that appropriate?
It often is. But in this specific case: (1) Your uncle is acting on his own behalf. (2) Not appropriate.
Don’t cave to something that isn’t right, not even for people you’ve always trusted or counted on financially — and host as you see fit.