Northwest Arkansas Democrat-Gazette
How to ‘tell’ others to back off when they get too nosy
DEAR CAROLYN: During 2020 my wine intake increased … substantially. It had been creeping up for years and when covid hit, it went full throttle. There was no drama or big episode, but eventually I realized I had to turn it around. I joined a Facebook group that focuses on moderation and they pointed me to literature that helped me change my habits. I feel great.
The issue is others, who seem uncomfortable when I order a soft drink. One in particular voices her disapproval. I realize this is more of a reflection on her than me, but I’m uncomfortable with the light it shines on my drinking, or actually not drinking. My decision was extremely personal and I’m not looking to share this very personal information with anyone other than very close family.
How do I tell people to mind their own business without looking defensive?
— Managing in Moderation
DEAR READER: You don’t have to tell people to mind their own business.
You don’t have to tell people you decided to change your habits.
You don’t have to respond to people who question what you order.
You don’t have to respond to people, period.
You have so much power here, and always do. You get to choose what you say.
Sometimes the hardest choice is to say nothing, granted. Silence feels uncomfortable. That’s why anyone who doesn’t feel obligated to fill an awkward moment with words is the one in control of the moment.
That can be you. Decide you owe no one anything and either ignore the comments as if they never happened or, other end of the scale, make silent eye contact with an eyebrow-raise. As in, I heard you and I’m not looking away. It’s what faces do when we’re thinking, “Who asked you?” You’re not conditioned to do this, so it’ll feel weird, but power through. This tweak might help: It’s not “more” a reflection on her, it’s entirely a reflection on her. I hope she finds courage, too, to work on her own stuff here.
Congrats on turning things around.
DEAR CAROLYN: I have always been energetic and driven and committed to health. When I share details of my day, such as the recent nice weather that allowed me to run outside, I may hear, “You’re so good.” Or if I mention the new recipe I tried that took a bit of work or talk about a recent trip or activity, I hear a similar refrain. I’m truly not looking for admiration and I’m concerned that I may make my friends feel bad.
I am careful to ask about their lives and celebrate their accomplishments. I also really don’t want to overly censor myself with my friends. Any advice?
— “So Good”
DEAR READER: You’re not sure what they mean — whether they’re happy for you or feel bad about themselves, mostly — so just say that. “I’m not sure what that means.” Too often, our response to unclear communication or confusing dynamics is to try to guess at what someone intended — I do it, too — when they’re (literally or figuratively) right there in front of us with the answers. Assuming they’re honest and self-aware enough to provide them.
Just be mindful of sounding curious, not defensive. You’re asking because you want to be a better friend. That’s something else you can say out loud if you suspect they’ve misunderstood.