Husband makes a connection as 17-year marriage teeters

Dear Abby: I have been married for 17 years with three great kids. My wife and I have struggled on and off. I often feel like maybe I don’t love her. We are complete opposites. I’m adventurous, daring and extroverted. She denies me sex a lot. The last time was for four months.

During that time, I met someone who has the same adventurous spirit as I do. We have hung out and we text often. She’s currently getting a divorce. I’m falling for her and I have expressed it to her. She likes me, but she doesn’t want a relationship because she’s afraid we both won’t really leave our spouses if we start something.

I stopped texting her, but she said she will wait for me. How do I manage this because I’m hurting in my marriage and hurting by not texting her? — Torn In Ohio

Dear Torn: Inform your wife that the current status of your marriage is no longer acceptable. Denying marital relations appears to be her way of punishing you, which is unfair, so offer her the option of marriage counseling. If she refuses, I hope you will go alone to help you decide rationally which, if any, next steps you want to take.

If you decide to leave your marriage, there is no guarantee the woman you have been seeing will follow through with her divorce, but let her know what your plans are. I should add that the first relationship after divorce doesn’t often lead to marriage, if you’re contemplating jumping from the frying pan into the fire.

Dear Abby: I was a birth mom 45 years ago. My mother forced me to give up my child at birth. No one supported my wish to keep my child. My heart and mind screamed, “No, don’t do it!” Now, the birth father says he’s sorry because he’s having serious health problems and thinks he’s dying. I’ve forgiven everyone involved, but I’ve lived with depression and PTSD. I cry about it still and feel more loss as I age.

I found my adult child 15 years ago. It started out OK and went downhill from there. My heart aches so much to have a connection with this child. I’m shutting down inside while still waiting. I’m too tired to continue. My dreams are gone, my hopes shattered. I’m ready

to curl up and die. — Destroyed In Washington

Dear Destroyed: I am sorry for your overwhelming pain. What you need to do quickly is seek help from a mental health professional.

45 years ago, attitudes about out-of-wedlock births were different than they are now. Neither you nor the father of that child were equipped to care for the baby. Because you have forgiven everyone else, it’s time to forgive yourself and put a stop to your endless grieving.