LATE LAUGHS

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Tennessee has introduced a bill that would eliminate age requirements for marriage. ... If this bill goes into effect, Tennesseans of any age could be common-law married, which is extra wild considering that under current Tennessee law, it’s already legal to get married as young as 17. OK, that’s way too young to get married. It’s also too young to vote, rent a car and too young to — and this is true — operate a deli slicer at a grocery store. Call me old-fashioned, but I say: “No matrimony till you slice baloney.”

Before you pay up and bring justice to Dr. Fauci for crimes of doing science, on its website, in fairly small font, they [the amateur jury organizers] clarify that America’s Grand Jury [to indict Dr. Fauci] is a mock jury ... “It has no legal authority.” Anti-vaxxers love it, but it doesn’t do anything? It’s the hydroxychloroquine of justice!

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Jet Blue is offering to buy Spirit Airlines for $3.6 million. Right now Spirit is like, “Guys, we better open a bank account. I think it’s time.”

As bird flu continues to spread across the country, zoos are moving their birds inside to protect them from the virus. It’s weird, right now all the birds are stuck inside making sourdough and watching “Tiger King.”

Just in time for baseball season, Frito Lay is selling a new version of Cracker Jacks, called Cracker Jill. ... Yeah, so we can all stop worrying about gender equality, we did it!

The Late Late Show With James Corden

Tomorrow [April 6] an FDA advisory committee will be meeting to discuss the timing of future COVID boosters. ... We know more of them are coming, we just don’t know when we’re going to get them. Booster shots are basically like Avatar movies.

Scientists now say a chemical compound found in broccoli and other leafy greens has been shown to slow the growth of COVID-19 as well as other common-cold viruses. I cannot wait to take on the world armed with this new information that vegetables are good for you!

A dentist in Wisconsin has been convicted of intentionally breaking his patients’ teeth so he could get paid to fix them, and he made millions of dollars doing this. This would be like if your therapist started every session by saying that everybody hates you and you’re a stupid little dork.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Somehow, Spirit Halloween has inspired a movie. Strike Back Studios and HideOut Pictures are teaming up to make a “Spirit Halloween” film. Two companies thought this was a good idea! Maybe they figure if they go broke, they can turn their offices into Spirit Halloween stores. ... But what do I know? The most popular TV show on Netflix right now is called “Is it Cake?”

Late Night With Seth Meyers

According to a new survey, 16% of Americans live in the same city or town that they grew up in. The other 84% have them muted on Facebook.

A restaurant in Florida reportedly canceled a dinner reservation recently after discovering the gathering was a going away party for a Capitol rioter who was sentenced to prison. Alright, but don’t be shocked if they show up anyway!

Authorities in Florida announced yesterday that they arrested six men who allegedly stole thousands of dollars of gasoline from several gas stations. They would have gotten away, but thousands of dollars of gasoline was still only like a quarter tank.

Former president Trump yesterday [April 6] officially endorsed Georgia Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene for re-election, and said she is “a warrior who doesn’t back down and doesn’t give up.” Basically all the same reasons she’s banned from Target.