LATE LAUGHS

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

The fact that Monkypox can be transmitted through aerosols makes it “similar to the coronavirus.” No, no, no — I can’t go back to Lysol-ing all my monkeys!

Understandably, people are sick of paying higher prices [during this period of inflation], so corporate America has come up with a clever solution: “quietly shrinking package sizes without lowering prices” in a phenomenon called “Shrinkflation.” In their defense, corporations say the water’s just very cold.

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

For Fleet Week, the public can actually take tours of the Navy ships in the Hudson River. New Yorkers are the only people who see six beds crammed in a tiny room and go, “Ooh, spacious! That’s $3,000 a month here.”

A new poll found that Trader Joe’s is the most reputable brand in the country. Yup, at Trader Joe’s you know exactly what you’re going to get: hummus from a white guy in dreadlocks.

Today [June 8] Moderna announced a new version of their COVID booster that’s eight times stronger and provides longer-lasting protection — which sounds less like a vaccine and more like an ad for Right Guard deodorant.

The Late Late Show With James Corden

This evening [May 24], President Biden returned to the White House after his five-day trip to Asia .... Biden flew from Japan to Alaska to Washington, D.C., which is also how Spirit Airlines takes you from Boston to Washington, D.C.

Yesterday [May 23] officials in New York held a ceremony to remove the last public payphone in New York City .... I mean, technically Apple makes a payphone, you just have to pay $1,200 for it. In the United Kingdom, the four-day celebration surrounding the Queen’s Platinum Jubilee culminated last night [June 5] with 22,000 people attending a concert in front of Buckingham Palace. It was called the Party at the Palace, but we’ll call it Queenchella.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

You know yesterday, here in California, was Primary Election Day. Also known as “There Was an Election Today?” Day. Turnout was low. More Californians played Wordle yesterday than voted. I can’t imagine not voting. Voting is fun. It’s like taking a Scantron test you can’t fail.

In London over the weekend [June 4 and 5], they had a big todo for Queen Elizabeth’s Platinum Jubilee .... The queen, I think, has had enough of these jubilees, because she did not appear in person. Instead, she appeared via hologram .... The crowd sang “God Save the Queen” as the holograndma passed by. At this point, God must be like, “Enough already with the song – I’m doing it! She’s 96! Do you not see me saving the queen?!”

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Biden spoke from the White House on Tuesday [May 24] and asked when the country will be ready to stand up to the gun lobby. When we will?! That’s like your landlord saying, “Ew, you gotta do something about these mice!”

A romance novelist in Oregon who wrote a blog post titled “How to Murder Your Husband” was convicted yesterday of killing her husband — in case you’re wondering how far you have to go to get someone to read a blog post.

The House select committee investigating the Capitol attack will hold its first public hearing on Thursday, so we can all finally get to the bottom of that thing the entire country watched on live TV in real time ...

A man recently threw cake on the protective glass of Leonardo Da Vinci’s “Mona Lisa” painting at the Louvre in Paris. He also threw some on a Picasso, but no one noticed.