Recovering addict believes past has ruined the present

Dear Abby: I am in my 60s, single and childless. I was raised by parents with issues, and I did not have a nurturing childhood. As a result, for decades I turned to alcohol and drugs to soothe my pain.

I have been drug-free and sober for many years. Still, I’m troubled when I see how abnormal and dysfunctional my life was and what I have missed that normal people get to enjoy — like marriage, children and grandchildren. My sadness is so overwhelming that some days I don’t want to get out of bed. Any suggestions on finding purpose? — Wounded In California

Dear Wounded: You cannot change the past, but you can certainly change the future. The first step should be to consult a mental health professional about your deep depression. With talk therapy and medication, you may be able to overcome it. Once you are stable, your therapist may also work with you to help you decide how to fill those empty spaces in your life.

Dear Abby: My son graduated from high school and won’t make a plan. He doesn’t help with anything around the house, won’t save money to buy a car and refuses to share our extra car with his sister. We are in constant conflict.

I want him to move out. I want him to work and save money if I’m paying for his room and board. He sleeps until noon, works sporadically and spends his money on workout supplements, shoes and guitars. He’s on his phone in his bed most days until late into the night. — Enough Already In Virginia

Dear Enough: Your son isn’t making a plan to become independent because you have been a generous parent. He has no incentive to leave the nest. Quit letting him use the extra car and tell him that unless he starts doing his fair share around the house, finds a full-time job and can prove that he’s saving money, you want him out. Then give him a deadline, and if he hasn’t shown improvement by then, follow through. Sometimes a dose of tough love is what it takes to get a message across.

Dear Abby: My husband and I have been married for 17 years and live in an older house we are slowly trying to remodel. Every Sunday he likes to go to flea markets, where he spends at least $100 for “art,” which I describe as junk. It’s all over the house. How do I get him to stop wasting money on this? — Up To My Elbows In Illinois

Dear Up: There are flea markets, and then there are estate sales. They aren’t the same thing. Some treasures can be found at estate sales because sellers (often the next generation) don’t realize the value of what they are getting rid of. Ask your husband if you can go to estate sales together to buy items you both agree on. It’s worth a try.