LATE LAUGHS

The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

America’s been buzzing about the report that [Herschel] Walker paid for a former girlfriend to get an abortion. Walker denied it ... adding he had no idea who this woman could possibly be. So last night she gave him a little hint when she announced that she also had a child with him. C’mon man! How many secret kids does this guy have?! Does he know he doesn’t get a free smoothie after 10?

Lying about knowing the mother of his child isn’t Walker’s only headline today [Oct. 6]. There’s also this one: “Herschel Walker claimed he supervised six hospitals. He didn’t.” OK, I’m kind of relieved that that’s a lie!

In a speech this week, [Doug] Mastriano pledged to ban pole dancing from schools. Are we sure he knows what a school is? “Three times a week I head down to the school and talk to the students — Cheyenne, Cinnamon, Amber ...”

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Today [Oct. 6] President Biden pardoned all people convicted of possessing marijuana under federal law, signaling a major step towards legalization. I’m pretty sure Biden’s approval rating is about to get high for the first time.

The Air Force just announced a plan to reduce their carbon footprint and adapt to climate change. It’s a major move. In fact, the Air Force just unveiled their new F-24 Prius.

In the aftermath of Hurricane Ian, President Biden traveled to Florida and met with Gov. Ron DeSantis, even though DeSantis has been highly critical of Biden. It’s like that special episode of a Disney sitcom where the school bully realizes he needs help with his math homework. He’s like, “I’m sorry I called you those names ...”

In the new, animated “ScoobyDoo” movie, Velma comes out as a lesbian. Even more shocking, Fred comes out as straight!

A painting of a woman from 1860 is going viral because people think she’s walking while texting on an iPhone. The name of the painting is “Getting a DM from Adam Levine.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

An app called Preply ... polled people in various U.S. cities to find out how often they use curse words. ... New York wasn’t even in the top 10. In fact, New York was tied for fourth among cities that curse the least. I don’t know about that: we just spent a week in New York [and] I’m pretty sure I heard a pigeon call me a son of a b——.

Guess who’s coming to help Florida recover from the hurricane? That’s right: a group of immigrants. Unbelievable. [Gov.] Ron DeSantis bringing in immigrant workers to do hurricane cleanup is like Will Smith asking Chris Rock to play his birthday party.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Biden today [Oct. 6] traveled to New York [City]. Said New Yorkers: “Oh my God, move!”

FIMA announced yesterday [Oct. 5] that phone operators from the IRS have been brought in to help the agency handle the volume of calls after Hurricane Ian. So now, getting help will be just as easy as doing your taxes!

Tomorrow [Oct. 7] is Russian President Vladimir Putin’s 70th birthday, where he will blow out the candles and then push the cake off the balcony.

The Late Late Show with James Cordon

A Canadian mayor, who was running unopposed for reelection, suddenly has an opponent after another candidate entered the race a day before registration closed. And that person is — and we’re not making this up — his brother, who he has not spoken to in 30 years. ... The amazing thing about this story is that it isn’t already the premise of a hit sitcom on CBS.