Midterms are driving us insane

It’s the moooost, con-ten-tious time … of the yeeeeeeear … — with apropos apologies to songwriters Edward Pola and George Wyle and, yes, recording artist Andy Williams

OK, folks! It’s almost time! And not a moment too soon!

After all, we’re bleary-eyed from the sights and sounds of the campaign commercials that run every two minutes — even on the Roku Channel and its Mystery Science Theater 3000 subchannel! No escape! — and what I call the “election-sign gardens” that have sprouted up at various intersections in recent weeks. (At the website “33 Funny Voting Signs Express What People Really Think About These Elections,” a 2016 gallery at boredpanda.com, memorable campaign signs run the gamut … one for a Dan Payton who declares he’s “Not Running for Anything; I Just Wanted a Sign”; a sign advocating the election of Darth Vader; another urging a vote for “Obi-Wan Kenobi … Our Only Hope”; a sign saying “All Hail Megatron: Global Domination”; and of course, the sign declaring that “All Candidates Suck.”)

We’ve said to ourselves, our spouses, our friends or families, and anyone else who will listen that we’d be glad when Nov. 8 comes and goes. Those of us who voted early have harbored daydreams of some kind of electronic device that would be able to tell when we voted and rig our TVs and radios to stop transmitting the aforementioned political ads. (They’ve always been this prolific, right? It’s just that I’m getting old and now tolerate them about as well as I do 4-inch heels and grocery-store crowds, right?)

We’ve been given healthy-size doses of the political good and bad … and heavy doses of downright ugly … this campaign season. Some of us members of the electorate feel like homely heiresses being courted by a motley bevy of suitors and tasked with figuring out who the fortune-hunters are. (More’n a few of you will doubtless opine that they’re all fortune-hunters, and we must choose the ones who at least will be good lovers and entertain us while they’re blowing through our money.)

Or maybe it would be more apt to compare some of us to bettors at the horse races, desperately looking for the guy with the tip sheet and at the same time wondering how trustworthy he is. I suppose we should be grateful that campaign jingles have become passe.

Of course, many of us had our minds firmly made up as to whom we’d be voting for, long before any campaign ads appeared, and are at peace with our decisions. Now bring on that electronic ad-silencing device to silence the commercials — at least those run by the other guy!

Whew.

Hubby and I chose to vote early

once again, slipping out once again to get this thing over with and be able to walk around with smug “I voted early” smirks. From the figures we’ve heard, it looks like it was a classic case of “everybody else had the same idea.” Shoot, Tuesday may look more like 30 minutes before closing at Target on a typical Monday night than 6 a.m. on a Black Friday.

Whatever kind of crowd that you, the Voter Who Chose to Vote on Actual Election Day encounter, we humbly offer you these tips.

■ Do not roll your eyes at the “last earthly second” campaigners outside your precinct. Appreciate the traditional processes that still work during the election and give silent props to the tenacity of those who believe in the candidates for whom they are campaigning.

■ Don’t annoy fellow voters by humming decades-old campaign jingles, no matter how briskly they continue to run around in your head.

■ Long line after all? There’s definitely an advantage of having nowhere to store your lawn chairs but your car trunk. Please refrain from breaking out a futon.

■ Be patient and polite with the precinct workers who, especially in this day and time, deserve our patience and politeness.

■ Don’t be distracted by the person in the voting booth/ chair beside you muttering to themselves. They’re just a variation of that person who mutters to themselves while shopping in the same aisle as you at the grocery/department/ store.

■ Don’t spend 10 minutes trying to figure out why they want you to vote for unopposed candidates.

■ Don’t have waited until you read your ballot to figure out what the “amendment” votes are all about. The ballot will explain them in Abraham Lincoln-era legalese that will cross the eyes and scramble the brain of any non-jurist.

■ Resist any urge to make Darth Vader, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Megatron or “None of the Above” instant write-in candidates.

P.S. Please, please, please, channel any disappointment at your candidate’s loss into community service and activism … not mayhem. You don’t have to be an elected official to be a mover and a shaker.