LATE LAUGHS

The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

I come to you tonight [Jan. 31] breathing easy because the White House has finally announced they plan to end the COVID Public Health Emergency in May. Take that, COVID. We beat you. Shove that up your nose and rotate it five times. This has been a long time coming. I wish you could see the smiles on the faces of my audience and I wish I could, too, because they’re still wearing masks.

Today [Feb. 1] Tom Brady announced he is retiring for good this time. ... Congratulations on an incredible career, and since we’re off air next week, I’d also like to pre-tape the following statement: “Tom Brady, welcome back to the NFL for another season of exciting gridiron action. You still got it, baby. We’re so excited you’ll be playing with the — team TBD — good for you, buddy.”

It’s Groundhog Day [Feb. 2]. It’s a beautiful tradition where a big, chubby rat tells you if you should stop by Burlington Coat Factory. This morning the world’s eye is once again turned to ... Gobbler’s Knob, Pennsylvania, and we learned our fate. Punxsutawney Phil has predicted six more weeks of winter. What? I was going to wear capri pants tomorrow.

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Well, guys, here’s something to celebrate: today [Jan. 31] is the last day of dry January. What an accomplishment. I can’t believe we all went an entire month lying to each other.

The FBI searched President Biden’s beach house in Delaware for classified documents. First, they searched near Biden’s Corvette, now they’re searching his beach house. I’m starting to think Biden created this whole scandal as a humblebrag. “Why don’t you check by my infinity pool? Maybe there’s something behind the Picasso, I don’t know.”

This morning [Feb. 2], Punxsutawney Phil predicted six more weeks of classified documents being found. Actually, Punxsutawney Phil predicted six more weeks of winter. But I read that he’s only right 40% of the time. When they heard that, weather.com was like, “You’re hired. When can you start?” Yeah, you can’t trust Punxsutawney Phil. He’s basically the George Santos of the groundhog world.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

We learned that more than a dozen of the top donors to his [George Santos] campaign don’t exist and, even more shocking, some of the donors do exist. But, how this guy’s still walking around the House, I don’t know. This is like the movie “Catch Me if You Can,” if in the first five minutes, Tom Hanks caught him.

This morning [Feb. 1] after 21 seasons, Dr. Phil has decided to hang up his moustache. I know, I’m sadder than a hound dog getting whizzed on by a fire hydrant, too, I really am. Dr. Phil will be missed. I mean, without Dr. Phil, who will stay on top of important subjects like, “My daughter believes she’s pregnant with Jesus; what will the ultrasound show?”

Netflix is cracking down on password sharing. Their plan is to limit password sharing only to family members who live in your household from now on, and this is going to be a huge blow to Nick Cannon. This could cost him millions of dollars.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz discussed his role in the contentious Speakership election in a new interview and said he’s “not some ‘Lord of the Flies’ nihilist.” “We’re reading that in class,” said his girlfriend.

President Biden visited New York City today [Jan. 31] and spoke about how the bipartisan infrastructure law will improve the Hudson River Tunnel that connects New York and New Jersey. The biggest improvement? It will no longer connect to New Jersey.