Northwest Arkansas Democrat-Gazette

Wife in crumbling marriage takes stock of life, future

- ABIGAIL VAN BUREN Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother,Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069 or visit www.DearAbby.com

Dear Abby: I have been married for 16 years, but after the birth of my first child, our marriage went downhill. My husband withdrew and went out with friends often. When my brother was in the hospital, I traveled three hours with my newborn to visit him. My husband drove up separately, stayed a few hours, then left to go to a concert with a female friend.

Our sex life dwindled, and I felt like we were roommates. I became depressed and started having manic episodes. I’m on medication now and taking care of myself. I have always resented my husband for this. We have two kids now, and I’m afraid if I leave him it will hurt them. I tried three different marriage counselors with him, but he wasn’t interested.

I now spend my time doing everything with the kids and focusing on my well-being. I met an old high school acquaintan­ce on Facebook, and our friendship has turned romantic. I don’t see him often, but when I do, I want to be with him always. We are both scared of what could happen. I love him. He is kind, sweet and caring. Do I wait until the kids are 18 to leave? — Ready For Change In The East Dear Ready: Talk with an attorney. Be sure to ask what financial informatio­n you need to ensure a fair settlement should you decide to end this marriage charade.

Once you have the informatio­n, tell your husband that the status quo isn’t good enough for you and offer him one more chance at counseling. If he refuses proceed with setting yourself free.

Raising children in the atmosphere you have described may be more damaging than getting a divorce. A warning, however: Once you become available on a full-time basis, your lover may not be ready or willing to become your knight in shining armor. Be prepared to fend for yourself.

Dear Abby: I’m in love with two men, but one of them is dead. Twelve years ago, I met “Carl.” We had each other at “Hello” and became engaged two weeks later. We were happily married until I lost him six years later.

Two years after I lost Carl, I decided to start dating again. I met “Philip” and we were immediatel­y attracted to each other. We’ve been a couple for

four years and will be married this summer. He’s very understand­ing about my memories of Carl. Am I wrong to marry this man I love dearly when I still have feelings for my

late husband? — Wondering Widow In Missouri Dear Wondering Widow:

When a spouse dies, the love the couple had for each other doesn’t also die. Your love for Carl can last as long as you do. Don’t feel guilty about it. I have said before that grief is an individual process. That you have fallen in love with Philip doesn’t lessen your love for Carl. Celebrate your good fortune. I wish you and Philip happiness together.

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