Leave it to (a) beaver

Everything’s not bigger in Texas, but Buc-ee’s is

recently spent some time driving in Texas (if you keep moving, it’s OK) and I’ve come away with two overwhelming thoughts: Build Back Better and Buc-ee’s.

OK, backstory. The Lovely Mrs. Smith and I decided to join some of the progeny and grandchildren on a spring break trip to San Antonio. Yep, some people go skiing or to the beach. We go where you can do something for a couple of hours in the morning and then take naps.

Anyway, since we have fond memories of road trips gone by, we decided to drive. Which, like most things seemed like a fine idea until we actually had to do it.

As an aside, it’s important to remember part of the reason for my fondness for those road trip memories is that, well, I wasn’t driving. And there were still Stuckey’s with pecan logs.

Once you’re actually driving, and all that that implies, flying seems like a grand idea. Until, of course, the doors start falling off planes. But I’ll take off on that subject some other time.

One thing we did learn this time around is that construction barrels have replaced “napping” armadillos as things most likely to be seen on the side of a Texas road.

Yes, I know. America’s infrastructure is crumbling. I’ve been there for most of that crumbling and we have roads, bridges, overpasses and airport terminals that work about as well as my knee.

Regardless of what you may think about the politics, a lot of federal money has been pumped, suddenly, (via the Build Back Better Act) into repairing all that stuff and a little bit more. And regardless of what individual politicians in various states (like Texas) may say or how they voted, they are not afraid to grab that cash.

Which means that apparently every highway, byway, cattle trail, rest stop and public parking lot in Texas is under renovation. At least when it’s not being built from scratch.

All that construction, the heavy equipment, truckers and scores of workers is an impressive sight. A sight anyone driving through the state gets to enjoy at their leisure, since, well, we ain’t going anywhere. You remember that part about “if you keep moving, it’s OK?” If you don’t, it isn’t.

And that’s where Buc-ee’s comes in.

For folks who haven’t spent a lot of time in Texas (and recently Southwest Missouri), Bucee’s is a Texas-based chain of gas stations/stores spreading across the southeast. They’re roughly the size of a smallish European country.

The stores are famous for, well, being big.

Hey, worked for Godzilla. They’re also famous for, well, a lot of things. Beef brisket. Extremely clean bathrooms. Enough gas pumps to fuel Canada.

We had always heard of Buc-ee’s, so the Lovely Mrs. Smith and I, having nothing better to do since the interstate was a parking lot, decided to drop by.

They are … everything we could have imagined. And more. Definitely more.

For one thing, remember those old Japanese restaurants where you have to take your shoes off? Apparently before you go in a Buc-ee’s, you have to put on a pair of Crocs. Of all the things that were popular, died out and came back, why did it have to be Crocs? Oh, well. Could have been disco.

And yes, the bathrooms are massive and spotless, likely a result of the fact that there appears to be a person assigned to clean them round the clock. And since the person in the bathroom when I was there had a clean uniform shirt, no neck tattoos or obvious ankle monitor, I have to assume he hadn’t been sentenced to this job and actually wanted it.

At least until he works his way up to Keeper of the 27 Varieties of Breakfast Sandwiches or maybe the Wall of Jerky Sommelier.

Still, I have to question some of Buc-ee’s merchandising choices. For instance, I can’t imagine a situation where someone turns to their companion and says, “You’ve got one of those 55-gallon drums with a handle and straw everyone seems to carry and I’ve got a brisket sandwich and your mom’s next three Christmas presents. But look here, think we need some deer corn? They have stacks of it near the door.

“And if it’s too much to carry, we can also get one of these deer corn wagons. Sure, the SUV is packed, but we can fit some bags in. The kids can hold them. They’re just staring at their phones anyway.”

So, eclectic merchandise, clean bathrooms and the Wall of Jerky. I think we should have a new slogan: “Build Back Buc-ee’s”