A sudden death brings on sudden grief

Dear Amy: My brother, “Harold” died from an infection in December.

It was a shock to me and our other brother.

I have never been close to my sisterin-law, and their adult kids are off living their lives.

I sent a condolence card to each of them but got nothing in return.

I am at a loss as to how to stay connected. What do you suggest? — Grieving Sister

Dear Grieving: Because your brother died suddenly, his wife and children may be reeling in their own orbits.

In less isolated times, family can circle together and comfort.

Because you want to forge a closer connection, you should call your sister-in-law to check in and see how she and her kids are doing.

Contact the adult children personally, as well.

Dear Amy: I believe my husband is having an affair. His phone is constantly going off. He stands with his back against the wall to check his phone. He is constantly clearing his history. He is very protective about his phone and gets very defensive.

He is also narcissistic and very into porn. He has always been dishonest.

When we were engaged, I caught him sexting with his ex-wife, who was one of my friends. His mother even warned me about how dishonest he is.

He refuses to work on our relationship and is very emotionally abusive.

I have prayed, gone to church, and done everything I can to support him and help him, but it’s his choice to continue with these behaviors. He acts like he doesn’t care. He doesn’t change. He won’t go to counseling.

I feel taken for granted and used. He wants to continue communicating with lots of women on the side.

I believe he has fallen out of love with me. The spark in his eyes is gone.

I have considered separation but don’t feel like that will fix anything.

I don’t want a divorce because I love him. — Confused

Dear Confused: Actually, separation could fix everything. Everything.

Separation would remove you from your husband’s orbit. You wouldn’t have to watch him as he tries to mask what he’s doing . You wouldn’t be forced to look into his loveless eyes.

You wouldn’t have to confront him about his dishonesty or listen to lies.

You don’t have to stop loving your husband. You do need to start loving yourself. Grow up, accept you cannot force your husband to change, and take responsibility for the fact you chose to marry someone you don’t trust. Counseling would help you.

You are a great believer in the power of change. So change!