Grieving during the holidays is always hard, but you can still find joy
Be intentional about remembering the good times. Some memories can make you smile over and over again, and these memories should be cherished.
The holidays can be hard for a lot of people — even those not struggling with the loss of a loved one. But it can be even more difficult for those in mourning.
One in three Americans says they know someone who has died from COVID-19. The pandemic has robbed many of their loved ones and put a stop to cherished holiday traditions. Grief weighs heavily on the nation this holiday season, with a death toll of nearly 740,000 so far.
How can you celebrate when someone you love has been lost? The holidays are a time for joy and connection, both of which can seem impossible while grieving.
Two years ago, I lost my dad. His loss will always leave its mark on me, but I’ve found it’s important to prevent my grief from isolating me — particularly during the holidays.
Not only is it important, it is possible. Managing grief is a process of intentional connection, both with the remembered life of those you lost and with those who remain present in your life this year.
The holidays are still painful for me, just as they are for so many others who have lost loved ones. During the holidays, grief you thought you’d resolved can resurface out of nowhere. Holiday traditions you used to love now fill you with sadness. Decorations you used to put up months ahead of time lie dormant in your basement.
Suddenly, memories you had of your lost loved ones can overwhelm and isolate you; the progress you thought you made in processing your loss and reconnecting with others can come undone.
But as hard as this season can be, there are healthy ways to manage and experience your grief. Some strategies are practical shifts; others are emotional, focused on reconciliation with your new reality.
Most importantly: Be proactive and communicative to stay connected.
Celebrate their life and things they loved. Make it part of your holiday season. You could make their favorite food or buy a gift they would have loved, then share it with others to spread the joy of the gift and build connection. We all have favorite foods, songs and jokes from the holidays. Your loved one is no different.
Be intentional about remembering the good times. Some memories can make you smile over and over again, and these memories should be cherished. They should also be shared with those who are ready to hear them so that you can all remember your lost loved one together. Storytelling as a group can help manage grief by reaffirming the best memories shared by all — even some you may have forgotten.
Incorporate them into the holidays. Do little things like hanging up a favorite decoration of theirs or setting out a picture of them while you celebrate, cook or give gifts. Repeat a tradition of theirs and practice it in their memory. Make a dish and name it after them. Whatever you do, don’t feel like you have to totally avoid confronting your loss during the holidays.
They can still be present to you and your family in many small ways.
Celebrate in the way that feels right for you and your family. You may want to celebrate the holidays differently after the death of a loved one, and that’s OK.
Focus on a holiday season that feels right, even though people may question it. Your family is navigating grief in its own way. It’s important to recognize and respect the needs of all involved, including yourself.
In addition to practical adjustments after the loss of a loved one, it’s important to accept and adjust to the way you experience the season. It is not your job to cry during a joyful holiday celebration even though your loved one is not there, but you can cry if that feels right to you.
It’s also not your responsibility to perform holiday traditions you know you aren’t ready for. Others can’t possibly know exactly how you’re feeling, and it’s up to you to set boundaries that allow you to grieve without overwhelming yourself.
Confronting your pain is a necessary part of the grieving process, as well. The pain of loss may never fully go away, but you can still celebrate the holidays joyfully by celebrating the life and memory of those who are now absent.
Managing grief well is a process of self-knowledge, intentional connection and communication. Nothing can guarantee you a pain-free holiday, but you can connect to family and continue to love during life after loss.