Boomer parents wonder why they are ignored

Dear Amy: During our 20s, 30s and 40s, my wife and I traveled to see our parents, who were in their 50s, 60s and 70s, during the holiday season — and at other times. We burned vacation time to see family, without thinking twice.

Now we are retired. Our kids are in their 30s and 40s, with children of their own. They visit maybe once every five years. They tell us that if we want to see them, we will have to travel. They say they are too busy ( just like we were). They say visiting us is a financial strain on them ( just like it was for us). They say they don’t want to waste vacation time, and that traveling with their kids is hard. We know all of this, because we did it.

We have elderly parents who can no longer travel, so we have to leave them in order to see our children. The kids don’t make any efforts to stay in touch (let alone travel) to see their elderly grandparents.

Recognizing that life is not always fair, has there been a generational change that has once again turned boomers into the sandwich generation? Your advice?

— Disappointed Dad

Dear Dad: Here’s my take: People in your generation (older boomers) raised your own children to occasionally miss a tournament or a birthday party in order to climb into the station wagon and spend time with (and have their cheeks patted by) older family members. I’m describing a family structure that was more “top down,” where the parents made choices on behalf of the family.

But there has been a significant shift. Two working parents are working long and hard. But these parents are also exhausted because they assume their children’s priorities — including dropping everything for sports tournaments that are scheduled during national or religious holiday weekends. These parents promote a family structure where everything revolves around their kids.

I assume that when they’re older your grandchildren might see their own parents the way your adult children see you — as a “waste” of vacation time. My advice to you is to accept the parameters and do what you want to do — but to do your best to love them, regardless. More than ever, young people need to spend time around older relatives.