Love. What is it really?
Matchmakers, scientists and an animal trainer weigh in
It’s that time of the year when we’re all furiously writing love notes. But do you really mean — or actually understand — what you’re writing?
When it comes down to it, love is difficult to explain, and its definition varies depending on who is defining it. Ask a scientist, and you’ll get a much different answer than a matchmaker will give you.
We grilled the experts on love to find out what it really means, and we got quite a few different responses.
“Love is a feeling that evolved in humans in order to facilitate pair bonding that is beneficial to an offspring’s survival. It has biological and psychological properties. Biologically, early love serves up a lustful cocktail of neurotransmitters and hormones that draw us toward a person and helps us ignore many of their negative traits. The pheromones that are most attractive are those that signal a disparate immune system that will produce stronger offspring. Thus, smell is an important feature of hot sex. Psychologically, love is sparked by a series of triggers that call up early life experiences that fit into our own blueprint for love. An individual’s unique schema for love is a mismatched combination of memories and experiences from three primary relationships: The relationship we had with mom, the relationship we had with dad and the relationship we witnessed between them. If one or more of these relationships was marred by trauma, we will tend to be drawn to partners who replicate our feelings of love, however painful our version of love is.”
— Wendy Walsh, relationship expert and host of The Dr. Wendy Walsh show on iHeartRadio in Los Angeles. “Love is a chemical response in our brains that drives us to connect and bond with others. It’s a feeling that gives life and our relationships meaning, and it’s an act that holds us accountable to respect, care for and celebrate the people that matter most. How do you know? Even though love originates in the brain, it’s a feeling, not a thought. It’s sometimes elusive and can sneak up on you or slam you over the head. Loving yourself is a key component in loving others in a healthy way.”
— Andrea Syrtash, relationship expert and author of “He’s Just Not Your Type (And That’s a Good Thing)” “Some of this involves the endorphin system in the brain. The endorphins (a neurotransmitter that is part of the pain system) are opioids (similar to morphine) and create the warm feeling associated with close physical association and interaction. So this underpins friendships in general, as well as romantic relationships. There may be other additional mechanisms also involved in romantic relationships such as the neurohormones oxytocin and dopamine. It is certainly about feelings of attachment, and the endorphin system underpins these feelings of attachment.”
— R.I.M. Dunbar, professor of evolutionary psychology at the University of Oxford and author of “Science of Love and Betrayal” “Animals are the best teachers of what it means to love and to be loved unconditionally in return. Love, at its root, is unconditional. Who better to teach us about the power of love than a dog, cat, horse or other cherished animal friend? The love of an animal doesn’t have strings attached. As humans, we’re in the process of learning to love one another and ourselves. And, in our imperfection, we are bound to hurt one another. To get ahead in life, sometimes people will resort to cheating, lying and having hidden agendas. Compare this to a dog or cat: They are who they are. No pretensions or hidden motives.”
— Mikkel Becker, animal trainer for Vetstreet.com “Part of the problem with love in the English language is that we use one word: love. For example, the Greeks use at least four different words to describe different types of love. Emotion researchers asked a sample of undergraduates to list as many types of love as comes to mind, and they found that the average participant generated eight responses. In total, there were 93 different types of love listed, which gives one the sense that one word might not be enough. There is also the issue of time. I think that there are different approaches to defining love when one thinks about experiencing the feeling of love in the moment versus feeling love for someone across many years. When one thinks about the kind of long-term love that we have for our children, a parent, a spouse or a best friend, there is a richness to the feeling that builds over time. I think that long-term love is more than just a strong fondness between two people; it also contains elements of loyalty and feelings of security that only comes with time.”
— Ty Tashiro, author of “The Science of Happily Ever After” “For time eternal, we have sought to define love through science, language and art, but love has escaped these mortal constructs. Love is too enormous to be contained. It’s too valuable to be owned and too dynamic to be reduced to words and symbols. This is why love, manifested through actions, will be the elixir that unites our fractured, chaotic and terrified world.”
— Paul Hokemeyer, licensed marriage and family therapist “Love for different people can be different things. For some it is someone who wants someone to spend time every so often; for others it could be a strong physical attraction. People have types of instant love: for their children, for family, which vary from the romantic love. For people who have loved someone and fallen out of love, they may see love differently, as they have seen love that promised to be there forever, end. You are willing to do things that will make your partner happy over yourself.”
— Stef Safran, owner of Stef and the City, a matchmaking and dating expert “Love means a variety of things and is received in a variety of ways. It can be the unconditional love that a mother feels for her child or a love built on a strong foundation of communication and trust that great companions share. Love can be good — it can be lustful, passionate and erotic. Love can be bad — it can be manic and obsessive. We know we are experiencing love when we feel that our lives have been affected by a person’s presence, either for good or for bad.”
— Maria Avgitidis, matchmaker at Agapematch.com