Ask Amy: Cousin worries about grandparents’ visit.
Dear Amy: My grandparents have scheduled a visit. They live in another state.
Normally I’d be really excited about this, but they’re bringing my cousin “Frank” with them. Frank has a swastika hanging in his bedroom (and let’s just say he doesn’t keep that because he’s a WWII re-enactor), and he’s a Trump supporter.
Here’s the thing: my mom is Hispanic, her whole family is Hispanic, her mother is a Mexican immigrant, and I am half-Hispanic. Knowing what I know about Frank, I’m not going to feel comfortable being within 10 feet of him while they’re visiting. I’m not going to be able to keep my mouth shut about how uncomfortable I am around him. It’s going to be like a train wreck.
I want to see my grandparents again, since I haven’t seen them for four years, but if they’re with Frank, that might be a deal breaker.
I want to tell my grandparents this, but I don’t want to feel like I’m being selfish and like I’m rejecting family. My dad already tried subtly suggesting to them that they shouldn’t bring him, but they didn’t seem to get the hint. — Uneasy
Dear Uneasy: It is a shame that you can’t reliably count on yourself to keep your mouth shut. Is it possible that your cousin “Frank” has more selfcontrol than you have? Would it be acceptable to you if you spent time in Frank’s presence and he behaved appropriately and respectfully, or do you feel compelled to shut this down, regardless?
Obviously, if you and your parents feel that Frank poses a threat to your family, then they should not hint around about it — they should flat-out tell your grandparents that he is not welcome.
But there is always a possibility that exposure to your family would be a positive influence on your cousin.
It is not your job to inspire or to try to reform him, but if he is open to spending time with you, perhaps you should be, as well. You both might learn that your preconceptions about each other are faulty.
When you think about it – it’s a mark of what an amazing and diverse country you live in that you and your cousin are in the same family. This could be something to celebrate.