Ask Amy: Friend feels guilty about roommate’s assault.

Dear Amy: When I was a freshman in college, 17 years ago, my roommate and I went to a party. My roommate disappeared into a room with a guy. He locked the door. I banged on the door, but she didn't come out. When she did, she said she wanted to leave. On our walk back to the bus stop, she broke down sobbing, saying that he had forced her to have sex with him.

At the time, I had no way of comprehending that this was rape. I was in complete shock. I do recall saying we should go to the clinic, and tell someone. She didn't want to. When we woke the next morning, she didn't want to talk. We never talked about it.

Given all that’s coming to light on rape culture on campuses and the wisdom that comes with age, I’m riddled with guilt. This must have shaped her college experience and her life in an awful way. I feel so ashamed and guilty that I didn't help her. We’re still friends, and I really want to tell her I’m sorry, but I don't know how, or if I should. — Ashamed

Dear Ashamed: According to recent statistics gathered by the National Crime Victimization Survey and published by the National Sexual Assault Hotline, for female college students, only an estimated 20 percent report their assault. Your friend is in the great majority of women who do not report being raped.

Because you still have an active friendship with her, you should be open and honest now. Tell her how you feel about what happened, share your regret that you didn't do more to help, and offer her your loving kindness and support.

She may say she doesn't want to discuss it or that she doesn't remember the episode the same way you do. She may ask you never to bring this up again. Respect all of her choices, and recall the wisdom of Maya Angelou: “I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.”

Dear Amy: “Totally Embarrassed in Defeat” was a chess player whining about losing. I wonder if he’d have felt “so embarrassed” if he’d been beaten by a man. I don’t blame the lady for rubbing his nose in the loss. — Sue

Dear Sue: A good deal of sexual politics seemed to be in play in this particular match.