The affair has ended, the payback begins — or not

Dear Amy: I am a 53-year-old single man. I just had a fourmonth affair with a married lady.

She has been married to the same man for 35 years and says I am the only man she ever had an affair with ... and I believe her. She told me that she and her husband had not been sexually intimate for three years.

As time went on, I started disliking her criticism and insensitivity toward me, and she has since ended our affair.

She and her husband are leaving the country in a few months for good. I am tempted to tell her husband. I want to do this, partly because she hurt me and was very arrogant and insensitive, and partly because I would want to know if I was in his shoes.

Your thoughts? — High School Crushed Dear High School: First this: You can't know what this husband would want, because unless you, too, have been married for 35 years, you cannot put yourself in his shoes.

Anger at your affair partner is the worst and most punitive reason to disclose your affair to her husband, because then you would only be transferring your own responsibility, guilt, confusion and anger onto him -- the innocent party.

Now is the perfect time for you to reflect on your own actions. You willingly and knowingly took up with someone who was married. You also shouldn't continue to interfere with her marriage by making this disclosure to her husband.

Dear Amy: Regarding various ideas of how to incentivize college students to do well, my husband and I raised three sons going to in-state colleges that we saved for/paid for without loans.

We had a college agreement for each, (covering GPA, conduct -with bonus gift money from us at graduation for a high GPA.)

One flunked out his first year, but still wanted to go to school. So he went to community college, lived at home and paid for it himself.

When he spent his hard-earned money, he put more value on it!

We and our sons have no college debt. We recommend this approach. — Karla, in Vienna VA

Dear Karla: I like the idea of students financing their own education, with parents reimbursing the cost for semesters when they do well.