Daughter is under constant gratitude pressure

Dear Amy: I was adopted within my family when I was a little girl. My grandparents on my father's side forced my father’s sister to adopt me. She raised me, and though we were never close when I was a kid, in recent years, we've developed a better relationship.

I am stuck trying to make my aunt/“mom” and grandmother happy. Every time I need to make a major decision and it's not what they envision for me, they guilt-trip me, mentioning how they saved me from the life I could've had.

I was divorced a few years ago and was a single mom, and not once did I ask for financial help from them. However, when I cannot afford an extravagant gift for them, I never hear the end of it. According to my grandmother, how much I spend shows how much respect I have for them.

I’ve been dating a wonderful man for the last two years and we're ready to be married. I've tried to ask for my family's blessing, but they do not like him because he's not the same ethnicity as I am.

They also think he’s cheap. To me money is not the most important thing, and this man treats me and my son the way we should be treated. This has caused a huge rift between me and my family.

I am so hurt. Now they are forcing me to choose between pursuing a new life or them.

Dear Torn: Repeat after me: I do not owe my family unending gratitude.

I can understand why you feel obligated to your family for giving you so much, but good parents don't ask to be paid back for the task of raising you, they expect good children — which you are — to pay that kindness forward by raising good children themselves — which you are doing.

You do not owe your family for your upbringing, and for them to constantly remind you that they rescued you so long ago is unkind and manipulative.

You have done your job and grown up into a compassionate, self-sufficient person. You have found a person that loves and appreciates you.

Start planning for the wonderful life you and your husband will build together for your son. You may have to carry on in that life without your family, at least for a time.