Long-ago sexual assault haunts woman’s friendship

Dear Amy: My husband and I have been friends with another couple for 40 years. We get together socially, vacation together, visit each other’s homes in different states, etc.

My problem is that now it is very difficult for me to be with the female friend because of something that happened in the early ’90s. I thought that I had been able to put the incident out of my mind; but now I am finding that it is bothering me to the point that I cannot bear to talk to the friend, be with her, etc.

The incident that happened involved her father, a minister. In the early ’90s, my husband went with our friends to visit her parents in their home state. My friend’s father took a group of us on a tour of the huge, beautiful, historic church where he had been a minister for many years.

As the group descended a very narrow staircase, he and I were the last in the single file line going down. All of a sudden, he was next to me — his hands were all over me, fondling me, and he was looking me in the eyes. I was so shocked that I did not say anything to anyone, not even my husband.

Although I have tried to put the incident out of my mind, for some reason this memory is surfacing frequently lately. I finally told my husband about the incident about five years after it happened and asked him not to say anything to anyone.

Whenever my friend calls now, I am rude to her, cutting the conversation short. I am wondering if I need counseling and whether I should tell my friend the real reason that I am distancing myself from her.

Your advice, please?

Dear Haunted: Yes, you definitely should receive counseling. Meeting with a therapist will give you a safe space where you can talk about this and describe all of your feelings, including your conflicted reaction to your friend over time.

Your story provides an example of how damaging and insidious sexual assault is. It traumatizes you initially, and then the memory of it can continue to surface, along with feelings of anger, guilt and shame.

Given everything you state, unfortunately, I think this very long friendship is probably over. And yes, I do believe you should disclose this to your friend. Talk this through with your counselor and your husband, and do what you need to do to receive relief, release and peace.