Couple disagree about child care before conceiving.

Dear Amy: My husband and I have been married for six years. I am 32; he is 37. We were going to start trying to have a baby this year, but we can’t agree on child care.

Before we got married, we agreed that we would want our child to be cared for by a family member, or by one of us. We have no family nearby, are uncomfortable with leaving a baby with a stranger, and astounded at the cost of day care.

I always let my husband know that I wanted one of us to stay at home at least during infancy, if our budgets would allow. He agreed that this made sense and would be better for the children.

I don’t think he anticipated that I would become the breadwinner.

I think it makes the most sense for him to take a break from his job and care for the children, since the cost of child care would absorb his salary.

My husband says that he would not enjoy taking care of children 24/7 and would feel unfulfilled. I understand these concerns, but I’ve suggested several different options.

I don’t feel comfortable trying to have babies without having resolved this issue. — Unsure

Dear Unsure: It would be great if you could see into the future and anticipate not only all of the variables, but also how you will feel about them, but families are not built from tidy blueprints, but by one arrangement at a time.

Keep in mind that the whole process — the trying to get pregnant, and the pregnancy — takes almost a year (as a best-case scenario). And during that year, you will both change in ways that you can’t anticipate.

You really shouldn't make decisions like, “We won’t leave our baby with a stranger” until you have a baby and learn that, once you meet great caregivers, they cease being strangers, but become valuable partners.

You seem to have a great career, and I hope that your company gives you ample parental leave time, because it is during this time that you will work some of this out.

It is extremely important that both parents feel that the work they’re doing is fulfilling. If your husband ends up not wanting to be a stay-at-home parent, and if his lower salary would pay for quality child care, then it’s not up to you to dictate his choices regarding his work. Mainly, you should both determine to stay flexible. You can write Amy Dickinson at askamy@tribune.com or by mail to: Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.