Cruising the rivers of Volcano Bay

You can have all those water-park slides that drop the floor out from under you, throw you down the slippery side of a mountain, try to drown you and simultaneously give you a wedgie. Seriously. All yours.

Give me an old-fashioned lazy river, a place where a man can catch his breath, not hold it. Universal Orlando’s Volcano Bay water park has a couple of them that aren’t making big headlines but play key roles in the new attraction.

The park touts a no-lines strategy through its TapuTapu, a wristband with the power to hold a spot in line. But visitors can only “stand” in one virtual queue — plus the imaginary one for Krakatau Water Coaster — at a time. Once you’re “there,” what else can you do? Hitting a river is a popular choice.

Volcano Bay’s endlessloop floating attractions are Kopiko Wai Winding River and TeAwa the Fearless River. Their entrances can be difficult to spy, so use the directional signs or posted maps (there are no paper maps distributed).

I entered Kopiko Wai, the calmer of the two, near the base of the volcano. From there, visitors float directly into the caverns. It’s probably a more inviting space if you’ve already been baking in the relentless Florida sun. Inside, the theme was a bit busted by a water bottle and abandoned shoes. Despite lighting effects, this stretch strikes me as meh, but as we exit into the sun, a nearby kid says, “I want to go back in there.”

Later, the Wai has splashier moments, even without onlookers brazenly firing off water features with their TapuTapus. (Granted, that’s a hoot.) We float beneath the Honu ika Moana raft ride and past still-under-construction cabanas.

I had almost completed a second Kopiko loop when I switched from the standard doughnut-shaped float to one more like a chair. Its back is nearly upright, and my feet are straight out, using water as an ottoman. It’s great for mobility; kick enough and pretend it’s cardio.

But it also makes you feel as if you’re in your backyard pool and someone swipes your beverage. And, to my silly surprise, your rump still hangs out the bottom.

At TeAwa, a tube is required; there’s no free swimming there. The water is aggressively choppy in places — more than it looked like from dry land — and the flow is much faster than in the other river. (I saw an in-park reference to it as “the action river.”) The water is about 6 inches deeper, and the tiled retaining wall is notably higher at points.

The atmosphere feels more fascinating, too. At one point, the aqua coaster’s “track” straddles the Fearless River course, and there’s a wide, slowerpaced, high-ceiling area that reminds me of a watery temple. Considering the circumstances, it’s oddly quiet.

Next time I’ll pray for you people sliding down the side of the volcano.