Friend doesn’t want to ‘get political’ — but does anyway

Dear Miss Manners: I, like many others, am a person who prefers to keep her political opinions private. For this reason, I do not like to discuss politics in social situations.

Lately I’ve had quite a few encounters in which a person will say, “Not to get political ...,” and then proceed to talk about politics. I will try to discreetly change the subject, but the person is often very determined to stay on the subject he or she brought up.

Normally I would end a political discussion by saying, “I’m sorry, but I really prefer not to discuss politics.” However, in this situation I feel uncomfortable doing that, as that seems to call out the person on his or her earlier assertion that he or she wasn’t going to talk about politics.

How do I politely let them know that I’m not comfortable with that topic of conversation?

Gentle reader: “As you so wisely said, let’s not discuss politics.”

Dear Miss Manners: My best friend continues to tell others (her family and friends) about all of our personal conversations, even when we have agreed not to. I have caught her repeating our personal conversations to others, and often her family and friends tell me what she has said to them.

I have asked many times nicely and also have shared my frustration/anger. She tells me often she will try and do better, and she is trying to work on not talking so much. Yet this still continues daily, and history continues to repeat itself.

What would Miss Manners tell me that I should say to my best friend?

Gentle reader: She can tell you what to say to your best friend: anything that you do not want spread around.

Miss Manners understands that part of a best friendship is supposed to be the ability to share confidences. But this always involves risk. A friend could be careless or feel that it was all right to pass things on in supposed confidence. The friendship could end, and the friend might no longer feel bound to respect the agreement.

In this case, however, indiscretion is not a risk but a certainty. You should have learned by now that nothing works to stop your friend from gossiping about you. So your only protection is to stop giving her the material to do so.

Dear Miss Manners: Iam hosting a couple’s wedding shower. I asked for an RSVP and have received two responses that read simply “RSVP for the shower for Helen and Bob.” There is no indication of declining or accepting. I assume it is an acceptance. Is this proper?

Gentle reader: It’s meaningless. They have replied, which is something, but what have they replied?

Miss Manners puts this confusion down to our silly persistence in using a French abbreviation, when a lot of people seem not to have been paying attention in French class. RSVP means “please respond.”

Or maybe they failed to grasp the fact that although “s’il vous plait” translates literally as “if you please,” that only indicates politeness; it does not mean “only if you happen to feel like it.”

Dear Miss Manners: A family hosts a dinner for a large group of people on a certain athletic team. The host family provides drinks, appetizers, a couple of main courses and desserts for all.

Some guests bring food to share, but, for a variety of reasons, those dishes are barely tasted or left untouched altogether. The hostess wants to send that food back with the givers, but the host insists on keeping it.

His point is, “How would you feel if no one ate what you brought/prepared for the party? It would be so hurtful, almost insulting! As good hosts, we have to show gratefulness, praise the food others contributed and keep it after the party, even though we’ll dispose of it all right away.”

Without offending anyone, the hostess simply wants to avoid wasting the food, and returning the offering with the giver seems reasonable to her. What would Miss Manners do, please?

Gentle reader: As someone used to writing about herself in the third person, Miss Manners recognizes its stabilizing effect. But she is not convinced it will help you convince your husband of the error of his ways. She applauds you both for considering the feelings of your guests first. Graciously send the unsolicited food home with the guests who brought it, before you find yourself washing their dishes and delivering back their food containers.