Grandfather’s medical choices spurs family turmoil

Dear Amy: About two months ago my husband's grandfather was diagnosed with cancer. Despite the doctor urging him to reconsider, he decided to eschew traditional western medicine in favor of holistic treatments.

He's since gotten drastically worse, has lost 35 pounds (he was already very skinny), and spends most of his time in bed.

The treatments aren't working and despite several family members telling him how worried they are and begging him to seek treatment, he refuses.

It's his life and so his choice to make, but it's tearing the family apart.

Half of these family members are suspicious of chemotherapy. They hold out hope that he'll improve, while the other half feel that he's needlessly letting himself die, and hold their other family members somewhat accountable for encouraging his decision to forego medical treatment. Everybody's already said their piece -- is there anything else that can be done?

Additionally, I never know what to say or how to comfort my husband when we talk about his grandpa.

I listen and provide what little hopeful comments I can, but it always feels inadequate. Do you have any suggestions?

Dear Upset: The grandfather's closest family members should approach him about having a hospice worker visit the house to talk with him (check with his physician for a referral). The hospice movement has a special focus on providing palliative care to ill people. The patient continues to be in charge, and the hospice worker provides comfort care, opportunities to talk, and can often be an important bridge between the ill person and upset family members.

Family members are encouraged to visit, reminisce, laugh and cry -- rather than continue to obsess about choices the patient is making.

This is a time for you to provide a quiet, supportive presence to your husband, rather than leaping in to try to fix things for him. Listen and sympathize, treat him tenderly, don't offer up too much extraneous commentary or gossip about his family members, and understand that this is a tough life passage and you can't necessarily make things better for him. Walking alongside him as he experiences this may be the most you can do.