Local viewpoint: A parent’s “ode” to teachers.
Dear teachers and administrators,
As we begin the new school year, I have some requests in order to help you do your jobs better.
Please get to school super early so I can drop off my son on my way to Panera. I love that place.
Please feed Noah lunch while he’s there. Make sure it’s healthier than what I offer at home, and try to keep it under $2. (The food you provide should be organic, fair-trade, local, shade-grown, grass-fed, cage-free, free-range, rainforest-alliance-certified, bird-and salmon-friendly, and antibiotic-, hormone-, chlorine-, pvc-, bpa-, gluten-, dairy-, peanut- and GMO-free from a provider that has a negative carbon footprint.)
Also, teach him math and other boring stuff, since we rarely practice those in our house, and math was never really my strong suit. But also teach the moral beliefs and manners that I don’t teach at home. I want you to reward his successes and know him well, along with the 30 others in his class.
Please make sure all of your students feel like winners and that no one feels left out, and please don’t use a red pen because in the “real world,” bosses are cool with mistakes. Be on the watch for bullies or troublemakers, since I won’t ask Noah if anyone is bothering him; I want to think he is tough. Also, he is going to miss a lot of school because sports are more important — just FYI. Don’t let anyone mistreat anyone else, since I don’t have time to find out if Noah is the “different” one. I was sort of a nerdy kid and think he would be better off being labeled as popular. Make sure to recognize each student’s talents and skills. Tell me what Noah’s are during our 10-minute conferences each semester (which are very inconvenient for me).
Love and cherish my child as if he were your own. I’m busy working 60-hour weeks trying to pay for all of our belongings, and I don’t have the spare time that you do. I deserve making five times what you make because I do important stuff.
Please ensure every child that leaves your classroom is safe, smart, well adjusted and free of social problems or concerns.
As a single dad, I occasionally have difficulty parenting my son, but you got a degree in this, so you must be able to handle all 31 students with absolute ease. Please don’t ever let a bad day or disobedient kid or new policy affect your attitude. I expect a smiling teacher every day.
When you’re done with this list, let me know. I have more ideas on how you can raise Noah for me. Thanks, Robert Urban P.S. I love the folder you paid for out of your own pocket, since I forgot to get one, although you emailed me the supplies list a long time ago. But did you see Noah’s new Nike shoes? They’re completely awesome.