Mom-to-be doesn’t trust mother-in-law with baby.
Dear Amy: My mother-in-law has no tact and no respect.
That being said, she is wellintentioned and kind in her own way. She loves her kids and her grandkids.
Her attitude is that she raised three boys and she knows best. She doesn't care that you're supposed to put babies to sleep on their backs or that you're not supposed to use blankets in newborn cribs, or whatever it is; she is going to do it her way.
She has used this approach with our nephew and it infuriates my sister-in-law (and me).
Now that we are expecting a baby, she announced to me today that "no grandchild of hers goes to day care," so she will be babysitting.
I don't trust her with my baby. I've seen her with my year-old nephew. My husband agrees and is on the same page.
We are just stumped. How do we tell her that she won't be watching our baby or that our baby will be going to day care?
I've tried to lay some groundwork, like talking about all of the social benefits of day care or how there are really nice ones close to my work, or how it will all work out, but it isn't sticking.
At the end of the day it is our decision and we haven't even settled on anything yet! Who is she to dictate what we do with our child and how do we tell her "no" without wrecking our relationship? — Expecting and Uneasy
Dear Expecting: How's this for an opener? "Actually, one of your grandchildren -- ours -- WILL be going to day care."
Don't bother quoting studies and explaining your point of view. Just state your position and move along. If she fumes and argues, you and your husband should respond with a version of, "That's OK. We understand that you disagree, but this is the choice we're making."
Some of this comes down to how afraid you are of this outspoken, bossy, but well-meaning person. I suggest you find ways to be much less afraid, much more understanding, and determinedly calm in your reactions. Your mother-in-law probably did a good job in raising her children (I wonder what outside forces she had to fend off when she was a young mother). She made her own choices as a parent, and you must stand up for your choices.
Assume that she will love your child fiercely and that she may judge you harshly. Embrace the first, and ignore the latter. You can write Amy Dickinson at askamy@tribune.com or by mail to: Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.