Choose to be the no-drama parents at wedding event

Dear Miss Manners: My son has a 3-year-old daughter with his fiancee. His fiancee’s mother and father have been divorced for about 12 years and are on very unfriendly terms.

Because the bride does not want her mother to make a scene, she and my son have chosen to marry with just their daughter, a minister and a witness. I love my future daughterin-law. But as the mother of the groom, I am very sad that I won’t get to see my only son get married. I feel the bride’s parents could surely get along for an hour for their daughter’s sake.

The couple plan to have a luncheon after the ceremony with just immediate family. The bride’s mother will attend with her current husband and her son. There’ll be a separate luncheon and shower for the bride’s father’s side.

I understand this will be the bride’s day, but my husband and I feel we’re being penalized because of issues between her parents. I do not want to add drama to the situation and don’t want to cause any hard feelings between anyone, but I am feeling hurt.

Gentle reader: That it is “the bride’s day,” with the understanding that therefore she can do whatever she wants, is an expression that Miss Manners loathes. No one should have a day off from being considerate of others, and especially not on a family occasion.

But this poor bride, caught between warring forces, isn’t asking for selfglorification. She just wants a dignified, peaceful ceremony. And no doubt she knows better than you that her parents could not “surely” get along for an hour. Presumably, you are included in the luncheon afterward. What you can do is what the other parents appa, rently can’t: Enjoy the occasion without tainting it with any hurt feelings of your own.

To send a question to the Miss Manners team: Judith Martin; Nicholas Ivor Martin; and Jacobina Martin, go to missmanners.com or write them c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.