Friendship triangle, spat leads to non-negotiables

Dear Amy: I'm in trouble with my best friend of nine years, and my girlfriend of 13 months.

My best friend, "Tony," sent some mean messages to my girlfriend, "Becky" regarding her physical appearance, her family and their financial status, and our relationship overall.

She said some things in response that were a bit mean, too.

He claimed she was taking me away from him as a friend and that I was neglecting him in order to be with her. (I was giving my attention to both.)

I had told Tony that if he had anything to say about my relationship with him, he should tell me directly, but he chose instead to send messages to Becky.

About two months ago, I stopped talking to him altogether. Yesterday, he reached out to me, saying how sorry he felt. He said he just wants everything to be OK between the three of us.

He said he is even willing to apologize in person to Becky and me. My girlfriend doesn't want to hear from him or hear what he has to say. She also doesn't want me to talk to him or even consider him a friend anymore.

She's had friends that were mean to me, and she stopped talking to them completely. I feel she wants me to do the same, and I'm scared she'll even break up with me if I try to fix the situation with Tony.

Should I try to fix it with him and deal with the consequences if she leaves, or should I side with her and block him out of my life?

Dear Friendless: You are trapped between two people who are behaving badly.

Your friend "Tony" should not merely offer to apologize to "Becky" for slandering her, he should apologize -- whether or not his friendship with you can be revived. You should tell him, "You owe Becky an apology, and after you offer it, we'll see where we stand." Everything hinges on his sincere effort to make things right.

You should ask Becky to keep an open mind. She may not want to spend time with this guy, but she should not keep you in a stranglehold if you want to have a friendship with him.

If you are scared that Becky will break up with you about this, your fear exposes an issue: Partners should commit to working things out (sometimes arguing things out) without the threat of walking out.