Newcomer needs a bridge partner on similar level
Dear Miss Manners: I have moved to a new part of the country. Trying to find a social outlet, I joined a bridge group. When I first went in to play, I had a pretty good time — until late in the afternoon, when I was partnered with a woman who was very critical of my game. (I can’t fault her bridge judgment; I am not a terrific player at all.) She became harsher as time went on, and I never felt like going back, it was so unpleasant.
How could I have responded constructively to this? I was taken aback!
Gentle reader: Then you shouldn’t have trumped your partner’s king. (That Miss Manners condemns all rudeness does not prevent her from acknowledging the provocation.)
The time to declare your lack of expertise is when partner assignments are arranged. Better yet, speak to the group’s organizers about assigning bridge partners who play at a comparable level.
Dear Miss Manners:
Good friends of ours have invited our family (my husband, our two kids and me) to spend a holiday weekend with them and another couple at their lakeside cottage, a 31⁄2-hour drive away. We have a max option of four nights’ stay.
My husband wants to spend the allotted time, but I am uncomfortable spending that many days away from home. I would be perfectly content with a two-nighter.
Do I, A. Suck it up and go on board with the family for the whole four nights, or, B. Tell everyone that I have to stay behind a day or two because I have to work (which is not true) and drive up later to meet them?
I get homesick and feel “burned out” with lengthy stays — even though I love these friends. I don’t like to lie, but I also feel that if I told the truth, I would come off as snobbish and/ or cold. Is it OK to lie in this situation?
Gentle reader: Lying is a big issue with Miss Manners’ Gentle Readers, many of whom are highly indignant when she recommends such pleasantries as “I had a lovely time” and “How nice to see you.” The virtue of kindness means nothing to them compared with that of expressing the literal truth about their negative feelings.
But that doesn’t have to be the choice. There is no dishonor, except perhaps in court, to withholding hurtful information. And it would be mean of you to tell generous hosts that you can stand only so much of their company, which is what your sentiment would convey.
Instead, say only, “I’m afraid that I can only stay for two days, but would you mind if Sean and the children stay two more? I know how much they would enjoy that.”
Dear Miss Manners: I
am a 25-year-old law student at a school that is not nearly as competitive and cutthroat as some. For the most part, my classmates are positive people.
However, there is one girl who considers me a friend and who is a classic example of a self-deprecating braggart. She makes crystal-clear how smart, busy and accomplished she is, all while saying how stupid, lazy and useless she is.
She once “complained” about getting A’s on her papers because that meant she didn’t get feedback from the professors. She once “complained” about her exam answer being posted as the model answer because she “literally didn’t even know what she was writing about.”
I fantasize about telling her to shut up and that it’s annoying to listen to her talk. However, on a softer side, I want to tell her this because I know others find it annoying too. It’s a terrible quality to have and flat-out won’t serve her well in her chosen profession.
Is there any way I can serve my own interest of getting her to stop while also trying to offer any kind of advice on how to conduct herself in a professional arena?
Gentle reader: Ah, yes, the humble-brag, which is beloved of people who have been taught not to boast but can’t help themselves. So they figure that if they do it upside-down, it won’t count against them.
Miss Manners is grateful that you agree that “Oh, shut up,” while tempting, is out of the question. But it is not rude to ignore the subtext and offer sympathy.
If you say, “Oh, that’s too bad,” your friend will think that you misunderstood and be tempted to ruin her conceit by saying, “No, I got an A.” Or you can say, “Really? You were faking and the professor fell for it? I thought he was smarter than that.”