If carpoolers behave like children, treat them that way

Dear Miss Manners: I pick my friend up from work every night. My brother also works there, so normally they fight over who rides shotgun, which I let them figure out on their own.

She usually takes front, because she makes such a big deal about it. My brother just gives up.

Well, tonight my husband also rode with me, and we stopped long enough to get out and talk to a few mutual friends. When getting back into my car, my friend claims shotgun by getting in the passenger seat.

My husband was the one driving at that point, so I told her to move. She made a big fuss, so I just sat in the back seat of my own car. Was she in the wrong or am I just overreacting?

Gentle reader: Since everyone (except you) is behaving like this is the elementary school carpool, Miss Manners authorizes you to treat them accordingly. Next time a fight breaks out, explain that you are tired of listening to the argument and as the adult in the car, you are now laying down the rules: Your brother gets odd days and your friend gets even days. Your husband will have to take his chances.

Dear Miss Manners: Ata wedding, if various toasts are being offered to the newlywed couple, is it appropriate for only the head table to toast with champagne, while the rest of the guests are offered beer or wine? This does not seem appropriate to me, but I am only the father of the groom. We are willing to cover the cost of the champagne.

Gentle reader: This is not a charming trend — or even a polite one. The most common justification for such rudeness is the cost, but if this were an issue, toasts can be made without champagne.

Miss Manners is impervious to the argument that the champagne need not be shared because it is part of the ritual, not the meal. Church basements are filled with sacramental wine.

Dear Miss Manners: My husband and I were invited by another couple to see a play with them. They purchased our tickets, for over $100, and we reimbursed them.

I learned afterward that they had received their tickets completely free as a promotion. So I was a bit upset that they never told us that they had received free tickets, and expected us to pay full price. It made us feel used.

Should they have told us before we accepted the invitation that they had free tickets, but we would have to pay full price?

Gentle reader: Not sharing their good fortune was not, strictly speaking, rude, but Miss Manners considers their behavior neither kind nor charming. At the very least, they should not have entangled themselves in the financial transactions, and instead suggested that you two buy your own tickets.

Dear Miss Manners: My husband is retiring after 40 years with the same company. The same month, he is turning 70 and we will be celebrating our 45th anniversary. We would like to host a party for friends and family to celebrate with us with a catered dinner, music and dancing. The people we would like to invite include friends from church, our dance friends and company people he has worked with for many years.

Our dilemma is that we do not know how to word an invitation so that people will understand that we simply want them to come and party with us. We are not even sure that anyone would come without knowing the reason for the party, and yet we don’t think it’s necessary to state the cause for the celebration.

Are we going about this all wrong? Can we host a party and convey that we would love celebrating with friends and family just because we are happy to do so?

Gentle reader: You do not give your friends much credit, do you? You doubt that they would want to socialize with you without having a specific reason to do so?

On the contrary, Miss Manners is certain that they will likely be grateful and relieved that they do not have to feel an obligation to buy presents — for no fewer than three separate occasions.

Issue an invitation to the party and show its degree of festivity and formality by sending handwritten invitations and using formal language. “Mr. and Mrs. Herbert Many Milestones request the pleasure of your company at Venue on Saturday the 8th of Month at Time.” Please no registry, charity or gift information of any kind. No, not even “no gifts.”