Ask Amy: Soon-to-be bride worried about in-law issues.

Dear Amy: My fiance and I have been together for 10 years.

I have always had a rough relationship with my future in-laws, but this came to a head when my fiance's mother took him to lunch in order to tell him that she thought he was better off without me.

She said I was controlling, told him how much his sister dislikes me and how she feels I am taking him from his family. When my fiance told me what his mother said, I was heartbroken.

I don't understand why they think I am controlling, but I don't know how to change their perception of me. His family should not be involved in our decision-making for our lives, just as my family should not be.

His sister continues to ostracize me from the family, and since she is close to his mother, I feel as if she is influencing the family's perceptions about me. She has been very rude to me.

I dread seeing these people because I know I am going to be scrutinized and judged.

Our wedding is in a few months. He wants us both to try, but they have never tried to get to know me. I don't want to deal with their negativity for the rest of my life, and I don't have faith that they will try to bridge the gap. I am unsure of how to move on from this.

Dear Trouble: I realize that you have in-law trouble, but you don't seem to realize that you also have fiance trouble.

His mother thinks he would be better off without you. She mentioned that you are not liked by various members of his family. What, pray tell, was his motivation in repeating this to you?

What is achieved by you knowing this? Other than running home and telling you about this trashing, how did he react toward his mother in the moment? Is he using her low estimation of you as a way to communicate his own feelings or concerns about you?

These are questions you should ask him.

Many people replay a version of birth family dynamics in our own marriages. Understand that unless your fiance establishes his own autonomy, this dynamic won't change.

You should do some soulsearching and -- if there is room for improvement in your own behavior -- you should figure out how to behave in a way that is both neutral and respectful.