Clunker talk of locker room
Secret Santa gift giver goes for practicality, then car gets poached
DAVIE — If you spot a 300-pound man crammed into a dark-colored 2000 Dodge Neon with a fading paint job, there’s a good change you’ve just run across a Miami Dolphins offensive lineman.
The 17-year-old sedan was the talk of the Dolphins locker room on Thursday because it became the centerpiece of the offensive line’s Secret Santa Christmas gift exchange, which took place earlier this week.
Each year units on the Dolphins team conduct a gift exchange, gifting one another elaborate gifts or sometimes gag gifts meant to entertain. Each unit conducts the gift giving differently. The offensive line has annually used the white elephant format, which centers around gift stealing.
“I would like to put my name in the hat if people are giving away cars for Secret Santa,” Dolphins defensive lineman Cameron Wake said upon hearing about the Dodge Neon.
The goal of a white elephant party is usually to entertain rather than to gain, and Ted Larsen, the team’s starting left guard, made sure that was the case this holiday season.
The offensive line had a minimum spend of $1,000 for their gifts, so Larsen figured he’d buy one of the young players driving rental cars a gift they could use.
“Everybody kind of gets the same gifts, an iPad, a grill, so I figured I’d just change it up, and people actually liked it,” Larsen said. “It was only $1,200.”
The keys were wrapped up in a box, but nobody knew what the car looked like, not even Larsen, who had his friends buy it from a wholesaler online.
According to numerous linemen, recently acquired tackle Zach Sterup, who was poached off Cleveland’s practice squad last month, and offensive guard Sean Hickey, who has been on Miami’s practice squad all season, both wanted the Neon considering they spend hundreds on a rental each week.
One of them had the vehicle in their possession until the richest of all the Dolphins’ linemen got his turn to steal a gift. Instead of poaching something more coveted, Mike Pouncey, who is concluding the third year of a five-year, $44.75 million deal, took the sedan.
“Pouncey used his seniority and took it just for a toy,” said Larsen, who ended up with a grill as his gift. “He’s adding it to the collection.”
Pouncey, who is coming back from a troublesome hip injury that has kept him from playing a full 16-game season since 2012, has served as the glue that has held Miami’s injury-depleted offensive line together all season.
He’s also a team captain, and consistently grades out as the offensive line’s top performer according to the team’s coaches.
It’s quite possible Pouncey sees some potential in the Neon if it’s given a few upgrades.
“I thought I was going to stick someone with a piece of crap car, but Pouncey wanted it for real,” Larsen said. “If you see him driving it around, watch it. I don’t know how the brakes are on that thing.”
Pouncey was not available for comment, but there’s varying accounts about his plans for the Neon, which he and his fellow linemen took for a spin before Thursday’s practice after the car arrived at the team’s Davie facility.
“Pouncey already has everything, and he wanted to make sure nobody ended up with a bad gift,” said rookie offensive guard Isaac Asiata, who ended up with a smoker grill. “That’s the kind of guy he is to be honest.”