The perfect gift list for sports fans
There are a precious few hours left before Amazon declares an end to the Christmas shopping season. If you’re still wondering what to get the sports fan on your list, allow me to help.
This is actually my list, but it reflects the desires of anyone who followed sports around here in 2017.
I want … LaVar Ball to be abducted by aliens and taken to a galaxy far, far away.
The Magic to win a game.
My two front teeth because Derek Jeter traded them away for some used dental floss.
An eight-team college football playoff. Ryan Shazier to walk again, and then to walk away from football.
All mega-rich jocks to emulate Cole Hamels.
A baseball game to end in under four hours.
Scientists to discover that chicken wings are more nutritional than broccoli. Bob Ley to change his name to Robert E. Lee to see if ESPN fires him. Blake Bortles’ resurgence to not be a mirage. Nick Saban to have to ask Bill Belichick a question in a press conference. To be as tall as Tacko Fall for one day.
Bill Belichick to have to ask Nick Saban a question in a press conference.
To care about the world’s problems but be able to escape them for a couple of hours on Sunday afternoon.
Stud of the week
Rangers pitcher Cole Hamels and wife Heidi Hamels, who donated their $9.4 million mansion and 100 acres of land to a charity that provides camps for kids with special needs and chronic illnesses.
Honorable mention: Wofford College for A) beating North Carolina in the Dean Dome and B) being named “Wofford.”
Dud of the week
The Grinch who stole Charlie Villanueva’s toilet. Yes, somebody broke into the home of the ex-NBA player and made off with a toilet. Geez, it probably wasn’t even autographed. Honorable mention: Rob Manfred. Baseball’s commissioner went on the Dan Le Batard radio show in Miami and said he had no idea Jeter’s group was going to fire-sale the Marlins into oblivion. He should be sentenced to having to watch Marlins games for the next five years.
Pizza precedent
Papa John’s CEO John
Schnatter resigned last week due to the uproar over his claim that national-anthem protests have hurt the sales of the NFL’s official pizza.
The Baltimore Ravens sent a letter to seasonticket holders, suite holders and sponsors last week saying the protests have hurt attendance. Does that mean the Ravens have to resign from the NFL?
The truth out there
The New York Times reported last week that the Pentagon spent $22 million from 2007-2012 on a supersecret program to hunt for UFOs. Pentagon officials justified the program by noting they also were searching for a viable explanation for the NFL’s catch rule.
Mozart not impressed
Pittsburgh receiver JuJu
Smith-Schuster caused an internet stir when he tweeted: “I was only 20 when I went 97 yards on Sunday Night Football.”
Nice, but historians were quick to note Isaac Newton was 23 when he discovered the laws of gravity. Among other notable young achievements: Mark Zuckerberg was 19 when he started Facebook. Young Tom Morris was 17 when he won the British Open.
Malala Yousafzai won the Nobel Prize when she was 17. Stevie Wonder was 13 when he had his first No. 1 hit. Mozart was 8 when he composed his first symphony.
Secretariat was 3 when he won the Triple Crown. And Dwight Howard was 2 when he missed his first free throw.
Bowl business
Did you see where FSU was supposedly ineligible for the Independence Bowl? To be counted as a win under bowl rules, hapless FSU opponent Delaware State needed to award at least 90 percent of its scholarship limit. It awarded only 87 percent, according to a Reddit report.
The Seminoles dismissed the report, noting that Florida counted as a win despite the fact UF has used zero percent of the scholarships on functional quarterbacks since 2009.
Parting shots
In response to internet
heckling, JuJu SmithSchuster just tweeted that Mozart never had a 97-yard TD reception in the NFL. A galaxy far, far away just declared war on Earth for sending it LaVar Ball.
Derek Jeter just traded the Marlins pitching staff for Charlie Villanueva’s toilet.