Mother raised the kids to be independent. Now what?
Dear Amy: I have always tried to raise my two children, now 17 and 18, to be independent. They were allowed to make a lot of their own decisions.
Guess what? It worked! Now they don't need me or choose to be with me for more than 10 minutes a day, in general. Eating dinner only takes seven minutes, apparently. Then, "I have homework to do."
The older one is in college and hacking her way through life's challenges in ways that befuddle me but still seem to keep her on the general path toward adulthood.
The younger one is a great student, responsible and trustworthy, but basically a roommate who forages in the kitchen at midnight.
I know they love me; they tell me reasonably often, and I get hugs now and then.
They NEVER want to do anything with my husband or me unless it involves food or some unusual activity like going to a comedy club.
They are going to be gone for good before I know it, so my question is this: Do I let them continue to live their own lives for better or for worse, or do I occasionally force them to do things with us and ignore the complaining?
It's obviously easier for me -and frankly more enjoyable -- to just do what I like without having to force others along and listen to their complaining, but I also feel like I'm just giving up and not parenting well.
Dear Befuddled: I think that you should occasionally force your kids to do "family things." This demonstrates that there are times when they should, in fact, engage in relationship-building activities just because other people want them to.
The place to start this campaign might be during your seven-minute dinners.
Your children should in fact be forced to stay at the table and converse -- or wait patiently with their phones elsewhere -- until everyone is done eating. Then, unless they have cooked the meal, they should clear the table and clean the dishes. This is basic life skills 101.
They should also be forced to attend celebrations or memorial services for family members, even if they have other plans. And yes, you should ignore the complaining. And yes, they will still love you.