Local View: When does sexual banter cross the line?
“Baby, It’s Cold Outside” is the date-rape Christmas carol, as the singing man pushes a woman to stay because “it’s bad out there.” She even wonders “what’s in this drink?” in shades of a Bill Cosby accusation.
My friend Gina loves this song and says my date-rape theory ruined it for her. She believes the woman really wants to stay, is torn between morality and desire, and is talking herself into it. It’s sweet that the man desires her, romantic that his awkward pleas work.
Now imagine that the man is a Washington lawmaker and the woman is part of the page program. Same song, different listener reaction.
Sexual aggression is in the eye of the beholder, and that “beholder” is always the person in the weakest position — usually a woman. In this case, the male (me) thinks the song comes close to coercion; Gina (the woman) does not. Since the people aren’t real, neither of us is wrong, but either case could be true.
Speaking for almost every American male who ever said, “Oh, c’mon, stay a little longer” when a woman said, “I really should be going,” we wrestle with this. Sex is a mandatory prerequisite for continuation of the human species, and the sex drive operates a few floors below rational thought. It’s normal. But did we ever cross any lines?
The key difference between innocent sexual banter and over-the-top aggression is a woman’s fear. The obvious one is physical violence, rape or beating, but it can also take discreet forms, such as “If I don’t do this, will I ever work in this town again?” If a woman feels she can walk away at any time with only egos hurt, it’s not aggression. If she succumbs and later regrets the decision, the man did nothing wrong if she always felt free to walk away.
Like it or not, it’s the man’s job to find out if a woman has any fears. “I thought it was consensual” carries no weight. “She should have said something if she didn’t want it,” means zip. Without an ability to read minds, it’s hutzpah for any man to think he’s never been sexually aggressive or harassing.
Powerful men face the greatest challenge, mainly because so many women are enamored by their status and below them on the employment chart. He may think a woman is flirting with him when it’s only her awkward way of showing awe and deference to his position — and it’s not her job to correct that; it’s his job to identify it.
“I like you, and I swear I’ll cast you in the same number of movies whether you sleep with me or not,” isn’t exactly flowers and a box of candy, but it has to be said. This isn’t a secret that powerful men don’t already know; in many cases, they choose not to see it.
In “Baby, It’s Cold Outside,” the woman gives 15 reasons why she needs to go, and clearly says “the answer is no, no, no” once and “I really can’t stay” twice. But it’s still not sexual harassment or aggression unless she fears leaving – or there really is something in her drink.