Big Sister is worried about her ‘little’s’ media use
Dear Amy: I am a 30-year-old woman with no children.
I am mentoring a 12-year-old girl through the Big Sisters program. "Sandie" is a great, strongwilled kid, but has been through the wringer, with a history of sexual abuse, her dad in prison for most of her life, serious poverty and her mom giving up custody ( just to name a few).
This doesn't faze me; my question is regarding the kind of media she consumes.
She has never had any supervision at all and has always had unlimited access to a smartphone and the internet.
As a result, her favorite music is the most intense kinds of "gangsta rap," with shocking and horrible language. She loves horror and R-rated movies and her idols are all incredibly trashy reality/YouTube teens with prison records.
I am a total bookworm square and was raised in white uppermiddle-class suburbia, so this was definitely new territory for me.
I know this kind of stuff can't be healthy for a little kid to be taking in, and my question is how I should handle it when she (regularly) pulls up her favorite videos or songs to show me.
I have to keep myself from cringing. I want to be a good role model, and I do not want her to feel like I am judging her or putting down her favorite stuff.
Should I gently say ... anything? Should I just keep my mouth shut and nod neutrally?
Dear No Experience: Your mentor at the Big Sisters program might have specific recommendations for how to handle this. My view is that you should approach this the way parents the world over are forced to tackle media use -- through paying attention and gentle inquiry, and by exposing this adolescent to more positive messages.
When "Sandie" shows you something, you can ask her, "What do you like about this?" "What is it about?" Encourage her to interpret some of what she is consuming, instead of just letting it wash over her. You can also share your own reaction: "When I hear this, it sounds like they are putting down girls. I worry that this language is not good for kids to hear, because it is violent and negative."
You should also encourage her to express herself through writing slam poetry, rap, or whatever medium speaks to her.