Mother is worried about children’s safety with troubled teen

Dear Amy: I am a mother of two young children: a daughter, age 4, and a 1-year-old boy. They currently go to my husband's cousin’s house for child care every day. My oldest has been going there for over two years, along with our nephew and niece (who are the same age). Our family member (along with her helpers) provides wonderful care. I know they are safe and well looked after.

Every summer, another family member sends her three foster children to the same house for child care. This was their day care from when before they were school age. Although these children are older than ours, they are not allowed to be at home under the supervision of the oldest child, a 13-year-old boy, because he has shown behavioral issues.

He was temporarily removed from his home once over violent threats toward his younger brother, and has been ordered to attend mandatory counseling, as he has been making violent statements in his school setting. He has also sent text messages to his female classmates stating he is going to violate them, sexually — this very much worries me.

I don’t know what to do if I find out he will be going to our day care for summer vacation again. I feel I will offend our family member by insinuating that something could happen to my children under her watch, and I feel the rest of the family would think I’m being unreasonable. This boy took a shine to my daughter last year over these summer months. I’m now worried about him being that close to my children every day.

Am I overreacting? What is the best way to deal with this?

Dear Worried: Three additional children with this wide age range sounds like a huge challenge for a day care provider.

You should inquire about this summer. Will the older boy be present? You might need to find another day care for the summer.

When dealing with family members about this, keep in mind that some people automatically assume a defensive position, even when they’re not being attacked. Your tone should be neutral and focused on a solution. Your foster nephew is going through an extremely tough patch, and you should express compassion for him. But your own children’s well-being is on the line, and you will have to be stalwart, steady and focused — always — on their safety.