Nobody wins in etiquette skirmish at supermarket

why you would want to pursue the opponent’s way of thinking.

My 13-year-old son is lucky enough to have a large group of friends. Two, in particular, stay at our house all weekend, almost every weekend. They are good boys with excellent manners.

The problem? It’s overwhelming, financially and logistically, to feed two extra boys every weekend. I work nights as a nurse, my husband has a demanding job, and we have four sons (one of whom is a toddler).

I once asked the parents to pick their children up mid-weekend because we were overwhelmed, and one of the fathers told his son that we “didn’t want him there.” Because our house is so busy, we often get takeout, but even cooking for these boys is becoming too much.

I don’t want to hurt the boys’ feelings, but I’d like the parents to contribute financially or by offering to help feed the boys. How do I do so without repeating what happened last time I asked the parents for help?

Every weekend? Don’t these parents ever see their children?

Miss Manners recommends that you politely point this out: “We love having the boys over, but you must miss them when they are gone every weekend. If you want to work out a schedule so that we can share the pleasure, that would be wonderful.”

That they should be reciprocating is a given, but it may be more effective to prey on their parental embarrassment.

In the past, I have given expecting co-workers a baby gift. In the unfortunate event that the mother suffers a miscarriage, sometimes the gift has been returned to me. Other than expressing my sincere sympathy again, what should my response be?

I understand that the mother might not want the reminder of the loss (for instance, keeping the gift for a future baby), but I also have no use for it. I would not feel comfortable giving these items to another person, especially someone the mother might know, where she might see the gift used.

What’s best for the grieving parents to do with gifts in this case? And what’s the best response to the mother for a returned gift?

I have been donating the items to charity. Would it be appropriate to tell them, or let the charity notify them, that this was done in memory of their child? Not for me to get “credit,” but as a comfort that their child’s loss at least benefited another.

Generally, presents that are given for a specific event should be returned if the event does not take place. But given the circumstances, Miss Manners hopes that grieving parents will be forgiven if that does not happen.

Present givers should not expect them back, nor should they go into detail about plans for items that are given back but are not returnable to a store. Donations made in their name, however well-intentioned, are in questionable taste at best. That is a decision that should only be made by the mourners.