Brother uses elderly mom’s funds for his own purposes

Dear Amy: When my elderly parents were living in an assistedliving facility, both my older sister and brother lived nearby. My father earned a very good living and was a meticulous planner. They had accumulated a sizeable nest egg that enabled them to live very comfortably in retirement, with the likelihood that there would be a reasonable sum left after they died.

After my father developed Alzheimer’s disease, my brother agreed to assume control of their financial affairs. After our father’s death, my sister took on the role, and is now in charge of Mom’s finances.

To her horror, she discovered that my brother had taken large sums of money from our mother’s accounts for his personal use, including for the purchase of a new car.

She confronted him, and he admitted to the theft, saying that he needed the money to try and repair his money problems.

He repaid a small portion, but said he simply couldn’t repay the rest. My mother was obviously disappointed and angry, but seems to have forgiven him.

This news shook me to my core. I looked up to my older brother! I knew he wasn’t perfect, but I always felt he had integrity.

It has been six months since I learned his secret. Although we have seen each other and communicated several times since, I have not brought it up.

I am hurt, angry and disillusioned, but at the same time I still love my brother. How do I move on from this? — Disappointed Younger Brother

Dear Disappointed: Let me point out the obvious: stealing money to purchase a new car is not “repairing money problems,” but creating them.

One way to move on from this is to be open about it now. Why are you protecting your brother from a natural consequence of his crime? Is knowledge of his actions so dangerous to your own belief system that you must continue to stuff it down? The path toward forgiveness runs right through the heart of his fallibility.

You and your siblings should have a family meeting (with your mother, and with or without your brother). If you don’t want to pursue this legally, one obvious solution would be to deduct the amount your brother stole (plus interest) from any inheritance he might receive.