Overseas lover pressures woman for quick marriage
Dear Amy: I am in a long-distance relationship with a lovely man that I met when we were in school. After graduation, he had to return to his country of origin because he could not get a work visa. He is unhappy with his work, and wants to quit, move here, marry me and work on getting his visa while I support him financially.
The problem is that I have two kids and a very low-paying job at the moment (I’m an intern at a local mentalhealth agency.) I can’t support him, and he can’t work here without a visa.
I’m content to have each of us work at our respective careers until I can either actually support him financially, or until he reaches a point in whatever career he chooses that he can get a work visa here in his own right. He tells me that he doesn’t know how much longer he can live with this situation, but I have a career to launch and two kids to raise.
Is it reasonable that I don’t want to jeopardize my financial and career future when it feels like I might be enabling him to commit career suicide?
He has said that he might have to look for jobs in other countries, etc., and I understand this. The way I see it, if he gets a job in his chosen career path, it will make him more employable anywhere, including where I live.
Dear Wondering: Yep, you’re good. Your guy seems to be dangling the prospect of him moving here and entering into a convenient marriage while you support him, as if it were a shiny bauble instead of a very heavy lift. Your reaction and plan is prudent, reasonable and responsible. Stick with it. Dear Amy: I’m responding to “Stressed in NY,” a retiring couple wanting to move right after their son’s graduation. Your response was PERFECT. I can relate to how their son feels. Of course he’s unhappy! In 1973, my parents moved our family from Tulsa to Boston three days after my high school graduation. I sat at commencement hyperventilating. I had to leave my childhood home, friends and extended family. I’m an only child, so the move was particularly rough. I returned to Oklahoma to attend college, but I forever felt rootless and disjointed. I flew home for school breaks and holidays, but it wasn’t “home.” Your advice to the parents was a wonderful solution to help their transitioning son accept the move.
Dear Rooted: I felt for this family.