Adult hopes to confront mother over childhood abuse

Dear Amy: I am so angry with my mother. My father was abusive, and during his rages when I was a child, my mother would either defend him, or ignore it completely — as it was going on! I don’t understand her refusal to protect her own child.

I want to have a long, deep conversation about everything. But she refuses! Whenever I bring it up, she gets upset, insists that she was a good mother and won’t talk about it.

Amy, what do I do? I need this closure so I won’t be so angry all the time. I need to tell her how I feel so we can start to heal things. But I can’t force her to talk to me.

I don’t want to walk around with this forever. I have poured my heart out to a therapist, but it’s my mother I really need to speak to. Please help.

Dear Angry: I am so sorry that this happened to you.

You need to accept that you will not get what you are looking for from your mother. You didn’t get it as a child, and you likely won’t get it now. Even if you can persuade her to acknowledge what happened in your past, talking with her may not fix things for you. You may pour out your heart, and find that you’re still very angry. This is understandable.

Write down your story as a letter to your mother, written from the perspective of the hurt child. Share this with your therapist. Decide whether you want to send it. Then you should find ways to nurture and sooth the child within. Seek ways to “mother” yourself, bestowing the acceptance, love and support that you wish you’d had from her.

If you haven’t already done so, visit the site for Help for Adult Victims of Child Abuse (havoca.org), for ideas, suggestions and connections.

Recovery is a challenging process, and you may experience setbacks. Don’t let your mother’s denial derail your recovery.

Dear Amy: I liked your advice to “Concerned Mom,” whose daughter drank a whole bottle of wine over a short time during dinner, but now that Mom knows about her daughter’s drinking, she should not serve alcohol. She also needs to go to Al Anon meetings.

Dear Been There: Anyone worried about a loved one's drinking should contact Al-anon.org for meeting locations.