Wife really hates husband's secret lingerie habit

Dear Amy: I have been married almost 15 years to a man I first knew in high school.

I first became aware of his problem several years ago, when I found a bra hanging in our laundry room that was not my size. Finally, my husband confessed he'd bought it for himself. He said it was a one-time occurrence.

After he returned from a business trip, I found more women's lingerie. He assured me this would not occur again. Then, I found a white gown and panties in his backpack in the trunk of his car. Yes, I was snooping, because I remained suspicious.

He wrote me an email telling me he was fascinated with female lingerie. I decided that he had a fetish, and sought marital counseling. He attended, but he didn't think it helped. I told him then that if he had to make these purchases I did not want to ever know about them, and I'd better not ever find evidence.

Last week I discovered two emails on his phone (yes, I was snooping again) where he has ordered almost $1,000 of lingerie AND women's clothing.

He also has a secret post office box where these shipments are delivered.

I sent him a letter to the P.O. box asking him WHY he has it, and WHY he was buying women's clothing.

So far, he hasn't acknowledged the letter.

Our relationship has suffered because I feel betrayed. I do not feel loved, respected or cared for.

I think I still love him, but this behavior disgusts me.

—Confused Wife

Dear Wife: You have demanded that your husband must not disclose anything about this fetish to you. You have also demanded that you must never find any evidence of it.

He seems to have gone to great lengths to keep this a secret, as you insist he must.

So why do you keep snooping? If you don't want to be confronted by something, then don't look for it.

Cross-dressing (or perhaps only purchasing women's clothing) is obviously a very important part of your husband's life. It is shocking to me that your therapist didn't help you to talk about this during your sessions.

You say you feel unloved and betrayed, but I can imagine that your husband might feel this way, too.

You can contact Amy Dickinson via email: askamy@ amydickinson.com. Readers may send postal mail to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.