Discovery of long-lost child challenges marriage
Dear Amy: I have an extremely happy marriage of 11 years.
Our lives were just about perfect, and then my husband found out that he was the father of a girl born 50 years ago. This was a one-night stand, and the child's mother gave the baby up for adoption.
This biological daughter now has three children of her own.
Almost overnight my husband now has a daughter and three grandchildren!
He and his daughter have been exchanging photos, text messages and phone calls. I know there is a future meeting on the horizon.
I am having a VERY difficult time with this. I feel like everything has been turned upside down.
It’s hard for me to be happy for him; I don’t know how far he will take this.
She loves her adoptive parents, and lives in a different state. Her biological mother passed away recently.
This situation has really stressed me out; I’m on board one day and then blow up the next.
He is 73 and I am 70. I feel like this is an intrusion into our happy lives. How should I handle this? Are my feelings abnormal?
Your feelings are not abnormal. Your family system was humming along nicely, and now things are changing.
It is normal to feel conflicted when facing extreme changes or transitions (even changes that are positive). Even lottery winners sometimes sink into a depression when their lives are turned upside down.
But here’s the rub. Life is just like that. People get ill, people get well, families grow and shrink; fortunes and futures can change with the click of a computer mouse.
No matter how you feel about this, you will do best if you behave less like an ignored teenager, and more like a mature partner. Your husband should include you in his communications. You should look for ways to embrace this. You don’t say whether you have children, but look what happened: You’re a (sort-of ) grandmother!
Give yourself time to adjust. Your husband and his newfound daughter will be forging a relationship (distant, close, or somewhere in between), and you should be a supportive participant.