Columnist David Whitley

knows he would make a great New York Times reporter. After all, he hates white people as much as one of the Times’ controversial female hires.

I don’t know how you spent your weekend, but I decided it was time to make a career move.

I’ve always wanted to work for the New York Times, but I never considered myself worthy of appearing on the pages of nation’s most influential paper. Then along came last week’s hiring hubbub about Sarah Jeong, and it hit me.

Hey, I hate white people. I think cops are a—holes. And I often want to kill just about every man I see.

I am qualified to join the New York Times editorial board!

Jeong expressed those views on Twitter over the past few years. Someone (probably Donald Trump Jr.) uncovered them after Jeong’s hiring announcement, and out came the torches and pitchforks.

Right-wing media blasted the newspaper for hiring a “racist” and a “sexist.” They accused it of a double standard since it fired another editorial writer for tweeting unkind things about gays and blacks. Nitpick, nitpick, nitpick. They said Jeong wouldn’t have lasted 10 seconds if she’d substituted “blacks” or “gays” or “Jews” for “white people,” and demanded her head on a stick, but the Times didn’t back down.

Good for the Old Gray Lady. We shouldn’t cower or cave to the Internet Thought Police.

Forgive me for saying “we,” but I think I am prime Times hiring material. I don’t know anybody who drives a truck or owns a MAGA hat. I believe all sexual assault stories told by women should be believed (unless they involved Bill Clinton), and I last endorsed a Republican presidential candidate in 1956.

And to top it all off, I just polished my resume with Jeong-esque observations.

And as a Native American female, I feel I can add to the Times’ eternal quest for diverse and oppressed voices on its esteemed pages.

Sure, I may not look like a Native American female, but my greatgreat-great-grandmother was a full-blooded Creek Indian. Based on the Elizabeth Warren High Cheekbone Test, I might as well be Sitting Bull.

As for female, we all know gender is fluid, and anyone who disagrees with that is a Bible-thumping bigot. So I’ve decided I am woman, hear me roar like Jeong.

Sadly, I can’t post most of her “offensive” tweets here because the Sentinel has this silly thing against readers being ambushed by dirty words. But a few tweets are suitable for general audiences.

“I dare you to get on Wikipedia and play ‘Things white people can definitely take credit for,” it’s really hard.”

Well, there was the printing press, the steam engine, the car, the airplane, vaccinations, penicillin, the television and the iPhone, but let’s not get bogged down in such details.

White people also invented “Sharknado,” the McDLT and every known Kardashian.

No wonder Jeong tweeted “kill

more men,” and lamented “I’m likely to actually kill zero men in my lifetime.”

I can top that, since I’m actually likely to kill that Mike Lindell guy if I see one more My Pillow ad.

As for hating the police, I’ll admit I haven’t dropped nearly as many F-bombs as Jeong in describing them. I blame my loser parents for raising me that way.

Yep, they were white. Please don’t hold it against me. I have one more confession. I’M KIDDING! This whole thing has been a joke. That’s Jeong’s story and my story, and the Times is sticking to it.

Jeong explained to the baying mob that her tweets were satirical internet jousting. She was just trolling all the haters who denigrate women of color.

You alt-right alarmists take our tweets literally. You don’t realize we’re actually operating on an entirely different intellectual level.

We’re an exclusive club, sort of like Augusta National Golf Club, except the Times would never allow anyone named “Hootie” into the building. Like “Q,” from “Star Trek,” we have evolved beyond your means to understand how we operate.

As my sophisticated media colleagues tried to explain, we’re actually combating racism by saying racist things, but we can’t be racist because we are not in positions of power and influence so just shut up F-bomb up!

Not only do I stand with Sister Sarah, I’d like a chance to join her at this pivotal time at the Old Gray Lady.

She stands accused of being anti-male, anti-law enforcement, anti-white and snobby.

Come on, people. Where would you get a crazy idea like that?