Man frets about mother’s reaction to his girlfriend

Dear Amy: I'm flying home with my girlfriend over the Thanksgiving holiday to meet my family.

In recent days, as my mother and I have talked on the phone, she has brought up Thanksgiving and the prospect of meeting my girlfriend, saying, "I hope you're not making a mistake with her."

For background, I recently left a religious order because I met this young woman and wished to pursue a relationship with her. Mom tried to encourage me to stay in the order.

Today on the phone, she mentioned that a girl I grew up with was visiting my parents and said she wanted to see me. Mom said I'd be visiting for Thanksgiving and invited her to come back and visit while I'm home.

Mind you, this whole trip is so my mother can meet my girlfriend.

What should I do? Should I talk to my mother about her inviting another girl to the house while I'm trying to introduce her and my father to my girlfriend?

Dear Upset: Your mother is giving voice to a thought that nearly all parents have about their kids' partners before they meet them. Her mistake is saying this out loud, because it comes off as distrustful and rude.

However, given the complication of your leaving a religious order to be with your girlfriend, you'll need to understand that you are giving your parents a lot to handle. Presumably, your mother was never expecting to one day greet and host the woman in your life. You probably thought about leaving the order for some time before making your decision, but your mother needs time to adjust to it.

Right now, your mom has one job, and that is to remain as open as possible during this period, so that she can greet your girlfriend warmly and get to know her. Remind her, "Mom, I need you to stay open-minded and positive. I'm doing great, and I'm very happy."

In terms of inviting your childhood friend -- this invitation might be your mother's way of throwing a wrench into the proceedings. It could also be her way of indicating that she understands you are no longer committed to the religious order. Remind her, "I'll be home with 'Sasha' and I'm not particularly interested in seeing this other friend while we're home."