Columnist Scott Maxwell

figures he has more confidence in Lake County voters than Elections Supervisor Alan Hays has; Hays says adding Spanish to Lake’s ballots would be too “confusing.”

Today, I want to talk about one of the biggest lies in politics — one you hear every campaign cycle. And we’ll throw in some goofy only-in-Florida headlines for good measure.

But first, I’d like to share my experience voting last week. It was terribly confusing. Why? Because the referendum question on school taxes in Orange County was written in both English and Spanish — and I didn’t have the foggiest idea how to proceed.

There were TWO DIFFERENT LANGUAGES!!

What was I supposed to do?? I couldn’t even cast a vote!! OK, so most of that is a lie. The ballot didn’t confuse me at all. You know why? Because I’m not an idiot. I saw the language I speak fluently and read it. A million or so other Floridians did the same thing on their ballots.

All of which suggests Lake County Elections Supervisor Alan Hays is full of it when he claims that adding Spanish to his own county’s ballots would be too “confusing.”

Said Hays: “I find the printing of both languages on the paper to be confusing for almost everyone.”

How dumb does Hays think the people he serves are?

Voters in Orange, Seminole, Osceola, Hillsborough, Broward and other counties can all handle dual-language ballots. But not Lake? I guess I have more faith in the fine folks in Lake than their elections supervisor does.

Lake is one of 32 counties being sued to include Spanish-language options on their ballots.

The courts will decide whether the counties must — but it’s already obvious they should.

Why? For the same reason Publix voluntarily offers “Sabor,” a Spanish-language line of promotions, products and websites — because the company actually cares about serving its customers.

Hays’ customers include plenty of Spanish-speaking taxpayers who help pay his salary.

Sure, people who move to a new country should try to learn the native language. Most do.

But even those with years of practice often don’t understand their second language as well as their first. And I think we can all agree comprehension is pretty important when it comes to democracy — especially lengthy, convoluted amendments.

As Seminole County Elections Supervisor Mike Ertel said: “You want every single voter to be comfortable with the process.”

Unless, I guess, you don’t.

Criminal willies?

This week’s only-in-Florida headlines: “Florida man arrested for giving girlfriend a ‘wet willy’” … “Priests caught having afternoon sex in car in Miami Beach …“Almost 5 pounds of marijuana found in tote left outside thrift store.”

I wonder what the thrift-shop price is on 5 pounds of herb?

The big lie

My nomination for the biggest political lie told over and over has

to be this line: “I’m not a politician.” Why? Because every single time you hear a candidate say it, you

know it’s a lie. You don’t need Politifact, Snopes or my Malarkey Meter. All you need is a dictionary.

Anyone asking you to vote for them is — by definition — a politician.

Yet politicians tell this I’m-nota-politician lie all the time — including two candidates in the same race just last week.

Baxter Troutman, a Republican candidate for agriculture commissioner, ran two ads in which he declared: “I am not a politician.”

That’s a fascinating claim for a man who was in the state Legislature so long, he was term-limited out of his seat.

The man is so knee-deep in politics, he proposed to his wife on the House floor. (Because nothing says love like proposal-by-resolution … approved by a 106-to-0 vote.)

But that’s not all. One of Troutstands man’s primary opponents was Denise Grimsley, who also declared: “I’m not a politician, never have been.”

Grimsley also served in the state House until she termed out — and is now on her second political career in the Senate. That’s a solid decade in the Legislature.

If these two aren’t politicians, water ain’t wet.

A great irony in all this is that both of these politicians who swore they weren’t politicians lost to Matt Caldwell — a proud politician endorsed by a lot of other politicians. Sounds like he under- politics. Toxic Avenger

Only-in-Florida headlines, part 2: “Alligator attacks are on the rise in Florida” … “South Florida man hangs dead ducks from stop sign to slow down reckless drivers” … “Florida man flees traffic stop, jumps into canal but is overcome by blue-green algae.”

Finally, Rick Scott can put a positive spin on this toxic algae mess: It also fights crime.