Upcoming wedding unveils family estrangement
Dear Amy: My fiancé and I are currently planning our wedding.
Unfortunately, my fiancé's mother and one of his brothers had a bad argument over a year ago, and have not spoken to each other since. My soon-to-be mother-in-law attempted to call her son and his wife, but they have said they will not re-establish contact until she issues a very specific sort of apology.
Though she has apologized, it was not in the way he wanted, so the stalemate stands. He has not offered any kind of apology himself.
I had hoped that my fiancé's brother would put aside his anger for a day and come to our wedding. However, he has said that he will not, unless his mother issues the sort of apology he requested. I'm outraged on my fiancé's behalf, but I don't know how involved I should get. I have a good relationship with my fiancé's mother, and I've met his brother and his family. I can't believe his behavior.
My fiancé and I discussed how to help resolve this, but there did not seem to be a good solution. I know everyone involved is an adult and can make their own choices. I am just wondering if I should intervene more directly, and if so, how. —Discouraged
Dear Discouraged: Send a wedding invitation to your fiance's brother and his family. Do not call, write, enlist others to advocate, cajole or beg them to attend. If they choose not to attend, your fiancé should express his profound disappointment to his brother.
Do not pressure your future mother-in-law to give in to what (from your account) appears to be bullying behavior, but do encourage her to resolve it in whatever way will cause her the least amount of stress.
This man's dispute with his mother is ultimately theirs to handle. Surely you both resent his brother's willingness to let his demands take precedence over your own desires for a unified family on your wedding day. A natural consequence of his behavior will be the unfortunate deepening of a rift, but you should do your best to maintain a neutral attitude toward all parties.
Temporary rifts can become long-standing estrangements that split families apart, and that is truly tragic.