Must marrying couple invite friend's abusive date?

Dear Amy: My fiance and I are trying to decide if we have to invite the "significant other" of one of his groomsmen to our wedding next summer.

The groomsman, "Mark," recently got back together with his ex.

During their two-year relationship she was emotionally, and at times physically, abusive toward Mark. She isolated him from his friendships.

When they broke up we were relieved to see him acting like himself again.

During the year they were broken up, my fiancé and I got engaged and asked him to be a groomsman. When Mark brought her out after getting back together, she didn't acknowledge our engagement.

We are trying to be pleasant toward her, but I am always frustrated and upset after we interact. I have no desire to be anywhere near this girl on my wedding day.

As the significant other of a groomsman, she would have close access to us and the wedding party, and she is not someone we want to share these events with.

However, not inviting her could seriously damage our relationship with Mark.

Running out the clock and hoping they break up before then does not seem like a great solution.

What do we do?

Dear Bride: Unfortunately, because this person has a history of cutting "Mark" off from his friends, almost any response on your part could affect your friendship, and isolate him.

Ta certain extent, loved ones must find a way to tolerate the intolerable, in order to maintain contact with the abused party.

You could pointedly not invite her, but then Mark would likely bow out, also. And, if she is the manipulative, isolating and abusive partner you claim she is, your friendship with Mark might end.

Another option would be to basically demote Mark from official groomsman to honored guest. This way he could bring her to the wedding, but she wouldn't be in your face during all of the ancillary wedding events. This would also impact your friendship with him.

I actually think that running out the clock is wisest because this gives you time to see if the dynamic might improve. You can exercise a nuclear option later. Continue in your active friendship. Having close friendships is the best thing for him, and it might inspire him to finally leave his abuser.